


f 



PS 3509 

•^^ ^^ hi 1912 by ALEX EBIN. i 

1912 ' 

Copy 1 

— "MARRIAGEABLES" 

A FARCICAL COMEDY 
From Modern Life In New York — In Three Acts 

By ALEX. B. EBIN. 

Author of "Arbitration," "Roosevelt," "Portia in Politics," "Fedia," 
"Opportunity John," Etc. 



/ 



CHARACTERS: 

1. CHRISTINA-MESUMEN-LAWTON, Widow Age 45 

2. LOUISE-REIZEND-LAWTON, Her Daug'hter A^e 22 

3. MAXIE-LEBEDIG-LAWTON, Her Son Aged 18 

4. BELINDA FROELICH, Their Colored Servant Age 35 

5. TOPSY, Their Dog Age 2 

6. ROBERT EMERSON, an American Actor Age 30 



The action of this play takes place in Mrs. Lawton's Harlem Flat in 
New York, Spring of 1910, at the Time of the Actor's Fair. 



First Act— About 6 P. M. on a Monday. 
Second Act — Afternoon of the next day. 
Third Act — Evening, the day following. 



"A laugh at everything and a kind word for everybody." 



MARRIAGEABLE 



ACT I. 

Mrs. Lawton's apartment in Harlem, New York. 

The interior of a modern flat with all the latest improvements. 

The stage is diviided into three parts, or rooms, differing from 
■each other in decoration and purpose of use, but there are no 
dividing doors, only draperies and partition.* at both ends. 

Dining room right, papered in red, woodwork and whitewashed 
walls above. Next to it is the library papered green, with man- 
tlepiece C. and ornamented bookcase, furniture to match. 

Adjoining the library is the alcove with door at extreme right, 
leading into two adjoining narrow halls : one R. leading to the 
interior rooms, the other to the outside stairway and Maxie's 
room. Through the open, drawn curtains, the alcove is only 
partly visible. 

In the dining room and library the doors are at extreme left, 
leading into the interior hall of the flat. 

On the right of dining room a door leading into the kitchen, 
which door is only partly visible. 

The Dining room furnitfire and decorations consist of table 
centre and four chairs near walls. A sideboard with silver and 
cut glass on the right. 

A chandelier of combined electric light and gas fixtures above 
table centre. Electric button on wall near door, left. 

A display of ornamental plates and crockery on the wood- 
work all over the room. 

In the library a writing desk on the right with chair near by. 
On the desk a telephone, large photograph of an actor in char- 
acter costume near it, waste paper basket underneath. A few 
portraits and small mirrors on the walls. 

Through the partly drawn draperies of the alcove, the open 
door leading into the adjoining halls as above is plainly visible. 

The floors are of hard wood and polished. Rugs in good taste 
in all the rooms. 

Everything indicating the life of people who do not depend 
upon boarders for meeting running expenses. 

(©>Ci,D 30975 






75^ "^^Oo ACT ONE 



'7/^ As the curtain rises Belinda is discovered in the dining room 
near centre of table, facing audience. Her age is about 35. She 
is in good spirits, good humor, and in the best of health. She 
has been employed for sometime by Mrs. Lawton and enjoys 
the confidence of all members of this little family. 

Humming a coon song, Belinda lays the table for three, walk- 
ing towards sideboard from time to time and bringing all re- 
•quirements of the table, which include table cloth, knives, forks, 
•cruet, napkins, plates, bread and butter, milk, cream, etc. 

Assuring herself that she is alone, she helps herself to some 
cream, which she pours into a glass on table before drinking, 
leisurely refilling the pitcher with water, [eying the milk pitcher] 
de milk will stand some more water. 

[Enter Mrs. Lawton] a good looking and well dressed, dig- 
nified American woman of forty-five, a good and loving mother, 
She carries near-sighted eye glasses on a gold chain, of which 
she makes very frequent use throughout the play. Is good nat- 
ured when obeyed, but easily irritated.] 
MRS. LAWTON [Examining things on the table, sniffing the but- 
ter, then examining the cream, critically]. The cream is watery. 

[Noticing the milky glass, then lifting it suspiciously]. You look 
guilty, Belinda. 

BELINDA [Caught with the goods, nervously]. Am such dings to 
be did by me? I guilty, no. . .no, mm, no. . .mm. . .dats just what I 
isn't. The Janitor ain't no more as he used to was, an' what I says 
am oil from de can Yeas! Mm... 

MRS. LAWTON. The idea of dragging in the janitor. Hurry 
up, and don't forget Topsy, the poor dog was almost starved yester- 
day. [Consulting her watch]. It is after 5, the children may return 
from the actors fair at any moment. 

BELINDA. Yeas mam, yeas mm, Ian' sakes, I didn't know it was 
so sune as dat ! [Complainingly, busying herself around the table]. 
What a lot of time and money 'Miss Louisa have spent at dis heah 
fair! [Thoughtfully]. Dem hectors and hectoresses ought to be able 
to take care of demselves, dats w^hat I says! [Getting hold of the 
pitcher of cream]. Yeas-mm. . .yeas-mm. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Adjusting the table cloth]. You are a goose! 
It is a great thing this fair, and it serves a great purpose. .. [again 
consulting her watch]. The children should be. here by now. I 
smell the potatoes burning. 

BELINDA. Yeas-mm, yeas-mm! [Exits, hurriedly]. 
[Enter Maxie in out of door clothes, carrying hand-bag, opening 
it and depositing on table, many articles, representing his immediate 
purchase at the fair, including a fair programme, national flag, etc. 



4 MARRIAGEABLES 

He is a bright American boy of 18, unusually clever for his age, 
kissing his mother, removing his overcoat, Mrs. Lawton assisting. 
Maxies suit is of a striking material, showy anc^ stagy, whcih once 
seen is never forgotten. 

MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. And where is Louise? 

MAXIE [Playing with a fair medal in the lapel of his coat, then 
nervously clutching the tablecloth] . She could not tear herself away 
from. . . [Coughs] . . .a lady. . . [emphatically] an elderly lady, she has 
met at the fair!. . . [Takes his seat at the table, left centre.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Right centre, handing him some tea]. Is the 
fair still crowded? 

MAXIE [Taking the tea, then drinking and helping himself to 
bread and butter]. More than ever, jammed, jammed to the full 
capacity of the 34th Street Armory. 

ENTER LOUISE. 

MRS. LAWTON. Ah here is Louise. [Louise is a bright, hand- 
some young woman of twenty-two dressed in out of door hat and 
coat. Her dress is the prize of the fair, won by her in competition, 
displaying her well proportioned figure to great advantage.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Joining Louise, assisting to remove her over- 
coat]. Maxie says the fair is jammed, you must be tired. 

LOUISE [Kissing her mother]. Yes, mother dear! The fair is 
still the attraction for beautiful ladies, beautiful gowns, and... wor- 
ried men. [Removes her hat pins, hat, gloves, etc., then taking her 
seat at table C. 

MRS. LAWTON [Handing her some tea]. The worried men are 
not the kind we are after. . 

LOUISE [Taking tea]. Indeed not — mother dear. There were 
enough of all kinds to pick and choose, so many attractions [thought- 
fully] yet Maxie seems to have done nothing else but buy dried apples 
from Lew Fields at the Country Grocery at one end and then go to 
the other end and drink water at the soda fountain of the Fortune 
Hunter. 

MAXIE [Rather indignant]. I have employed my time and money 
to better advantage than you did, sis. . . [Exits.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Watching Maxie off]. From what I hear, 
that Fortune Hunter Stand seems the centre of attraction at the fair. 
Speaking of fortune hunters, charity bazaars are certainly their 
paradise. 

LOUISE [Some bread and butter suspended in her hand]. Surely 
mother, you would not have me rej ect a desirable acquaintance simply 
because our first meeting took place at a — bazaar. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Meaningly]. Desirable acquaintances are always 
welcome, but they are not easy to get. 



ACT ONE 5 

LOUISE [Playfully]. Whom do you consider as desirable ac- 
quaintances? 

MRS. LAWTON. Why, my dear, all the honorable professions, 
lawyers, doctors, promoters, or playwrights, particularly the latter. 
Yes, my dear, playwriting seems to have become the greatest of all 
professions. Millions are paid out in royalties by managers annually 
and they are run after more than any and all other professionals. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. Of course, your list includes actors as de- 
sirable, actors and playwrights are practically the same. 

MRS. LAWTON [Emphatically]. As you know my dear, I am 
not prudish, but the actor is the only profession excluded from my list 
of desirable marriageables. They live in their emotions and steamer 
trunks and rest as they rush. 

LOUISE. True their profession has its disadvantages. They that 
live to please must please to live ; to breathe the very atmosphere in 
which the character impersonated lived is not easy. But, mother 
dear, the actor has the advantage of lying late in bed in the morning. 
MRS. LAWTON [Sardonically]. The revenue from lying late in 
bed will not keep a fly in clothes. What can the average actor sign 
his name for? Few of them ever acquire a competence. . .nothing in 
the world would ever induce me to accept an actor as a son-in-law. 

LOUISE [On her knees, before her mother]. Mother dear, mother 
darling. 

AIRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Get up, you foolish child, you will 
spoil your best costume. .. [pause] .. .go and change your dress, my 
dear, my mind is made up ! . . . 

LOUISE [Sarcastically]. Why mother, darling... I have hoped 
that at least your mind was your own. [Exits]. [The kitchen buz- 
zer rings repeatedly, Belinda shows herself at the door.] 

BELINDA [Grinning]. Dat dreadful butcher boy buzzes and 
buzzes for his money ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Hunting her pockets]. Dear, dear, I mislaid 
my pocketbook. [Pause]. [Noticing Louise's bag on table]. Ah, 
here is Louise's bag — I can borrow from her. [Opening bag, taking 
out some money and handing it to Belinda, but leaving pocketbook 
open, watching for Belinda's exit. Finding herself alone she takes 
out a closely written card from the bag, reading aloud] : 

"Louise, Darling: 
Together with the accompanying little token, I again offer you my 
hand and heart. Wear it to-day and I will know. 

Lovingly yours, Robert Emerson, Actors' Fair. 
This is an eye opener!. . . [Her eyes fall on the large photo on desk, 
— walks up to photo, taking it in her other hand and comparing the 



6 MARRIAGEABLES 

writing: "Robert Emerson, character actor, Care The Lambs Club." 
Punching the photo] . 

So, this is the fine old lady that detained Louise at the Fair every 
afternoon this week and is also the mysterious sender of the flowers. 
Only last night I dreamt that I was held up by a stage robber, and 
to-day it is a terrible reality. [Calling] Louise! Louise! 

[Enter Louise in changed, well-becoming dress.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Everything is as clear as ink. . .ou need not 
tell me ... I know ... I know . . . the light first came to you when he 
kissed you in the dark. [Sternly pointing to photo and letter in her 
hands]. Surely, daughter, you will not put your finger in so loose a 
ring. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. I like it loose, mother. 

MRS. LA'WTON. Don't forget. Miss, that you are my daughter, 
while he is a nobody. [Irritated]. Oh, what fools young girls are! 
[Tearing the photo into little bits and dropping into wastepaper 
basket]. This is my answer to this member of The Exclusive Mutton 
Club! I know all that I want to know about " Fly by the Night " and 
actors of shoe string companies. 

LOUISE [Disheartened]. There is no use appealing to you, you 
never tried to help me, mother, never; anything I see you always let 
me want; and now you are depriving me of the only good chance I 
ever had ; you are really. 

MRS. LAWTON [Determined]. You know, Louise, that once 
I put my foot down, I stand on it . . . My daughter will marry a man 
who is somebody, not one who is merely acting somebody. I am 
your mother and to protect you is not merely my privilege, but my 
sacred right. 

LOUISE [Irritated]. What do you want, mother. . .You are not 
going to kill me with your protection and 5^our rights ! One thing is 
certain, you don't love me. 

MRS LAWTON [Pleadingly]. It is because I love you more than 
anything or anybody that I act as I do. Get this play actor out of 
your head. .. [Pause] .. .Don't waste time on getting the coupon 
when for the same effort, you can get the bond. I saw you looking 
at other photographs of this fellow, where are they?... I want to 
make a bonfire of them all while I am about it. 

LOUISE [Haughtily]. If you want them, find them!. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Softening somewhat]. Don't think I am not 
trying to help you. Only yesterday I bought a duck of a hat for you, 
and when you marry the man of my choice, I will assign to you half 
of my income. 

LOUISE [Protestingly.] Indeed, mother, you shall make no such 



ACT ONE 7 

sacrifice for me, and I will marry the man I love. [Moves her jaws 
as if talking, unheard by audience.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Emphatically]. You will marry the man I 
choose for you. [Handing Louise a morning paper with a marked 
advertisement] read!... as to the actor and his photographs [emphat- 
ically] I zmll find them. [Exits Mrs. Lawton.] 

LOUISE [Alone, reading aloud, her eyes on ad.] As I thought, 
another advertisement, list of professions and eligible professionals. 
■'Room, every convenience offered to Doctor, Lawyer, Promoter or 
Playwright ; bachelors only [pause] ." Everyone knows these con- 
veniences. She is not a mother, — she is a business manageress!... 
Oh, the farcical tragedy of it all, the farcical tragedy of it all ! [De- 
spairing — punching the paper and destroying it — as she exits.] 

ROBERT [From hall up stage]. Is Aliss Lawton in? 

BELINDA [From hall as above]. Yeas sir — she am, she am 
sir! [She accompanies Robert to the dining room door until his eyes 
and those of Maxie meet]. Lovely mornin' we is havin' dis after- 
noon, lovely mornin. [Departs to the kitchen.] 

[Robert is a gentleman about 30, smooth face, refined, perfect 
features. His attire, a jacket suit, is in accordance with the latest 
fashion. Gloves and hat in left, and coat on his arm.] 

MAXIE [Shaking hands cordially]. Sister and I are awfully fond 
of you, Mr. Emerson, you are so resourceful and all that, but 
mother ... mother's views are entirely different. There has been a 
slight domestic breeze, and mother threatens to forbid you the house. 
...you are not on her list of marriageables. . .You are only an 
actor!. . . [Enter Louise, carrying some roses, which she places on the 
table.] 

LOUISE [Greeting Robert distantly — placing roses in a vase]. 
Maxie is right; mother is terribly prejudiced against you and your 
class. 

ROBERT [Passionately. Coming up close and getting hold of her 
hand]. I shall never, never give you up, never! You are everything 
to me, everything! 

LOUISE [Freeing herself, handing him a rose]. It is very kind 
of you. . .Robert. . .but. . .all the same, I am afraid. ..You see 
mother. . . 

ROBERT [Disappointed — placing rose in his buttonhole]. Then 
everything is off, and I can't marry you after all... You don't want 
to see me. 

LOUISE. Not happy to see you [embracing him]. I will prove 
it to you [kisses him]. 

ROBERT [Kissing her in return]. To me heaven is where you 
are, darling. I see before me nothing but your face. I love you. 



8 MARRIAGEABLES 

Louise, love you more than anything, everything else in the wide, 
wide world. 

LOUISE. But my dear Robert, mother is frightfully prejudiced 
against actors. [Picking up from floor the torn pieces of newspaper 
and showing them to him.] You are not on mother's list of profes- 
sionals; she will not consent. . .and what mother says goes. 

ROBERT [Turning around and noticing the torn parts of his 
photo in waste paper basket] . Too bad . . . but is there no way out 
of it? 

LOUISE [Earnestly]. None, and if she sees you in her present 
frame of mind I fear something terrible will. happen!. . . 

MAXIE [Knowingly]. Mother is ransacking my room for actor 
photographs, which she says she must have and destroy. [Pause.] 
I have not seen her in such a furry ever since Stegliz, her stock 
borker, had her in a corner and squeezed her . . . 

ROBERT [Distracted]. Am I to give up all hope of marrying 
you, Louise, Louise? 

LOUISE [To Robert, meaningly]. No, no! Whatever happens, 
I love you, and if she wouldn't give me to you, you will kindly take 
me all the same. [Pause.] But you had better go — mother must not 
see you today. 

IMRS. LAWTON [Calling from adjoining room] . Maxie ! Maxie ! 

MAXIE [Excitedly]. Presently, mothre, presently! [To Louise, 
excitedly]. Mother is in my room and the door is open; he can't go 
out without being seen by her, yet mother must know absolutely 
blooming nothing. 

LOUISE [Distracted]. This is awkward. . .It's breaking my 
heart ! 

ROBERT. Mine is already broken. ..Something must be done. 

LOUISE. And quickly ! 

MAXIE [Inspired with a new idea]. Pretend to be something or 
somebody else. ..You are an actor; this should be easy to you, and 
she has never seen you, except your photo with the beard on, in the 
"Three Twins." 

LOUISE [Taking kindly to the idea]. Impersonate a lawyer. . . 

MAXIE. Or a promoter. . . 

ROBERT [Critically]. Lawyers and promoters are not in your 
mother's line. She will make me move at once, and I am particularly 
anxious to stay on and get nearer acquainted. 

LOUISE. Wait, I have it— a doctor ! 

MAXIE. Yes, this is fine. [His hands to his stomach.] I have 
taken sick, and if Dr. Emerson would only live up to his professional 
reputation ... 



ACT ONE 9 

ROBERT [Proudly]. Leave it to me. [Clinching his fists.] I 
am waiting for you, my future mother-in-law... 

(MAXIE dances about the room displaying his fine spirits, in antici- 
pation of the good treat in store for him.] 

LOUISE [Interrupting; noticing in the mirror that Mrs. Lawton 
is returning]. Mother is coming; quick, Maxie, quick ! [Robert gets 
hold of Maxie's hand as Mrs. Lawton enters.] 

ROBERT. Do you get me, Steven? 

MAXIE. Sure, Michel ; I am wise, / am zmse. 

MRS. LAWTON. Not a trace of the photographs anywhere. 
[Noticing the srtanger holding Maxie's hand and examining his pulse.] 
Who is. . .What is this gentleman? 

LOUISE [Introducing]. This mother dear, is a doctor. . .Doctor 
Foolthem. 

MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. Is he a Doctor of Divinity, a 
Doctor of Law, or a Corn doctor ? 

LOUISE [Gaining courage]. A doctor of medicine!. .. [Pointing 
to Maxie.] Maxie has suddenly developed serious stomach trouble 
and. . .1 have telephoned !. . . 

MAXIE [Puting his hair up and standing in grotesque position, 
his hands to his stomach, growling]. Oh, I, oh, oh, I oh!. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing Maxie; then to Louise approvingly]. 
Quite right, my dear, a stitch in time saves nine. 

ROBERT [Sternly, with the air and dignity of a professor; 
squeezing hard Maxie's hand, making him jump]. You have sent 
for me just in time. . . [Removing Maxies' coat and vest, then knock- 
ing him about. Placing his ear close to Maxie's chest, listening to 
the beating of his heart.] 

(While Robert examines his heart action, Maxie relieves Robert of 
his watch and all other small articles in his waistcoat pocket.] 
[Picture..] 

MRS. LAWTON. How is it possible, if I may ask, for a down- 
town physician to understand a Harlem indigestion?... 

LOUISE [Gaining confidence]. The doctor is also a resident of 
Harlem, not far from us... this, mother dear, is the famous Doctior 
Foolthem, the distinguished scientist, who is so thoroughly indepen- 
dent in his methods of treatment. . .Broken bones unite at the sound 
of his voice, and disease loses its force in his pre-eminent presence. . . 
He has carefully and thoroughly diagnosed the case. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Curtsys]. I am sure we are very fortunate in 
obtaining the services of so eminent a celebrity. 

ROBERT [Bows]. Thank you, thank you, madam!. . .Your son 
is an impatient patient, but I instanlty put my finger on the direct 
cause. [Pause. Placing his pencil, Avhich looks like a thermometer 



10 MARRIAGEABLES 

on Maxie's neck, then examining it, as if taking his temperature.] 
Ah, madam, your boy shall be treated as if he were the President's 
son, and even if you don't act on my advice, I will consent to taking 
my fee ! . . . 

LOUISE and MRS. LAWTON [Together]. Thank you, doctor! 
[Then Mrs. Lawton]. Tell me, tell me, doctor, you who are so 
learned and skillful, what has he got? 

Robert [Pointedly] . Money ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. Is his illness serious? 

ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton, placing himself in attitude extending 
right hand] . Never give up hope until you have consulted me ; then, 
then give up everything. Serious? No. [Reassuring.] It is quite 
an ordinary case of scientific carving, an ordinary case of appendicitis. 
[Aside.] Appendicitis with money! 

MAXIE [His hands to his stomach, growling]. Hell Columbia! 
An appendisawdust ! Oh, I oh, oh, I oh! an 2ip^&n.A\sawdust ! 

ROBERT [Reassuring]. It is a matter of ordinary daily routine 
with us. . .A little ether, a few cuts and your pocketbook is removed 
[correcting himself], I mean his appendix! 

MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved]. An operation, an operation? 
Must it be an operation? 

ROBERT. How well off are you? 

LOUISE [Comforting]. A little chloroform will not hurt, Maxie. 

MAXIE [As above]. Oh, I, oh!... Oh, I, oh! An appendisaw- 
dust, an appendisawdust, and chloroform ! A nice business ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Bewildered]. Chloroform!. . .Did you say 
chloroform? - 

ROBERT [Soothingly]. Yes, madam, chloroform has made modern 
surgery painless ; nowadays to be operated upon is a luxury in sensa- 
tion ! . . . People go to the operating table as they go to the opera — it 
is the fashion ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Surprised]. A fashion in operations! 

ROBERT [Reassuring]. Quite so! Your son shall be operated 
upon in accordance with the latest fashion ! I guarantee it. 

LOUISE [Consolingly]. Maxie has felt stuck up ever since he 
first took a drink from a bottle of mucilage. [Pause.] I feel sure 
that an operation will make another man of him, after all that stuff 
has been removed and cut out. A week in bed will do him a world 
of good! We can at least try it. . , 

ROBERT [Seriously]. We must guard against blood poisoning, 
and frankly, as a young physician, I need both the money and the 
experience. 

MAXIE. By all means let us try it. [Changing his expression 
to that of gaiety.] I have always been looking forward to an opera- 



ACT ONE 11 

tion and now I am glad it has come!. . .1 shall be delighted to be the 
object of constant care and anxious attention. Above all, I will have 
something to talk about ! 

LOUISE [Playfully]. I don't see why Maxie should be operated 
upon and I shouldn't. I want to feel that sensation of happiness, 
that exalted peace and illumination which come to one during those 
days when all the loving ones are around you, looking on you with 
kindness and compassion. 

xAlRS. LAWTON. Don't be foolish, child. [To Robert]. Perhaps 
an operation is better than merely pouring medicine, of which one 
knov's little, into a patient of whom one knows less. 

j\lAXIE [Hand to his stomach, as if suffering from intense pain]. 
There is one thing, I beg of you doctor — don't leave any articles or 
instruments in the stomach. Don't by chance sew up your stetho- 
scope, your watch, or even your sponges !... [Bending down.] It is 
such a bore when people call on you for lost articles. . .you know. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Nervously]. Now, now, doctor, is an operation 
really necessary? 

ROBERT [Examining Maxie's heart action]. I guarantee that 
once the operation is performed nobody will ever be able to prove 
that it was unnecessary. [Emphatically.] I am your physician and 
you have to trust me ; you have no other alternative. All the symp- 
toms are at hand: a loss of appetite after eating, and he sleeps with 
closed eyes, he tells me. 

MiRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. Ah, medicine is the greatest of 
all professions. 

iROBERT [Proudly]. Yes, rather. My cure as well as my medi- 
cines are absolutely guaranteed. I guarantee to cure your son. 

MRS. LAWTON [Encouraged]. Ah, doctor, you give me comfort, 
reassurance — something to clutch at [pause], still, I confess, I am 
somewhat afraid of the knife. 

ROBERT [Firmly]. Believe me, madam, in all such cases the 
knife is the real remedy — the only thing! When in doubt — operate. 
The only operations I ever failed in were on the Stock Exchange. 

LOUISE [Cunningly]. Doctor, you said ether; this, of course, 
will necessitate the attendance of another physician. 

ROBERT [To Louise]. Quite correct. [To Mrs. Lawton.] The 
whole thing, everything included, will only cost you a hundred dollars 
[pause] ; I will make an exception to my rule and pay the assisting 
physician from my fee. 

MRS. LAWTON. This is generous indeed ! . . . Thank you, doctor. 

MAXIE [Ashy pale, passing his hand over his face] . That stomach 
pain is driving me crazy, if indeed I am not crazy already. [Replacing 
hands to stomach as above.] 



12 MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS. LAWTON [unnerved]. ,[To Maxie, embracing him.] My 
boy, my poor boy. [To Robert.] Save my son, doctor; save my son. 
ROBERT. I knew perfectly well when I came here that I could 
make better use of a hundred dollars just at present than your son 
ever could of his appendix. Now, now [displaying a large carving 
knife], when is this interesting little affair of ours to come off 
[Pause], when do we blast...! mean operate. Shall we say this 
evening ? 

MRS. LAWTON [Laboring under a great strain to conceal her 
emotions]. Don't think for one moment, doctor, that I am prejudiced 
or old fashioned ... I see very clearly that an operation is the very 
thing and all that, yes — ^but just at the present the moon is in the last 
quarter, while I want my son to be operated upon at the beginning 
of the new moon ! . . . 

ROBERT Sympathetically]. I don't blame you in the least. It 
is a vital point and quite thoughtful of you ; it would be better, but 
you must not forget that your son had his stomach in his boots as I 
came in and his temperature [excitedly], his temperature was one 
hundred in the neck !. Yes [pause], these things don't wait, you know ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. I will pay you $200 if you save 
my son without an operation [Breaking 'down]. Oh, doctor, doctor, 
is there no other way? 

MAXIE [Aside to Robert, his hand on his shoulder]. If you gtt 
two hundred from mother I want half. 

MRS. LAWTON [Searching for her pocketbook, finally finding 
and opening it, handing some bills to Robert]. And here, doctor, 
here is $100 on account. 

ROBERT [Taking the money]. This is business. 

MAXIE [Unperceived by Mrs. Lawton tries to take the bills away, 
but is too slow for Robert, who pockets them. Then as his mother's 
eye meets his] : Oh, I, oh! oh, I, oh! Oh, my appendisawdust ! oh, 
my appendisawdust ! 

ROBERT [Sternly to Maxie, using his lead pencil]. Let me see 
your tongue, son, your tongue. 

MAXIE [Placing his hand on his mouth as if about to vomit]. Oh, 
doctor, doctor, no tongue could tell how badly I feel ! . , . 

ROBERT [Using lead pencil as a thermometer, which he forces 
into Maxie's mouth]. The temperature is very high. 

'MRS. LAWTON, Oh, dear, kind doctor, please save my son. All 
I have is yours if you will only save my son ! 

ROBERT [Proetstingly]. No, no, my dear lady, two hundred is 
quite sufficient. . .1 am a man who has a reputation to maintain, and 
you will find that my charges are always reasonable. Say no more, 
please, or I may get offended and make you take your money back. . . 



ACT ONE 13 

[Bus.] [He clears the table, then grabs Maxie by the shoulder, plac- 
ing him in a reclining position on the table as if the dining-room table 
were an operating chair; lifting Maxie's arms and legs in turn, thump- 
ing Maxie on the back, then reversing the position and massaging his 

stomach [bus.] Let me see, Mrs. Lawton, have you a pump? 

[Gets a bath towel and ties Maxie to the table, the latter struggling 
violently to sit up.] If you make the slightest move during the oper- 
ation 1 may never succeed in bringing you to life again. 

MAXIE [Struggling to regain his balance and to sit down, moving 
the towel from place to place] . Stop your courtesies — a stomach pump 
and cold water — never, never, never! [Hands to his stomach]. Oh, 
I, oh! Oh, my appendisawdust ! [Lifting himself up again.] I rise 
to a point of order!. . . 

ROBERT [Forcing him down]. Lie down again at the same 
point! 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Maxie, this is going to cost me 
two hundred dollars. Better lay quietly and do as you are told or 
you will be cut up into little pieces. . . 

ROBERT [Consoling, but holding Maxie down by the hair, nose 
and chin in turn]. It shall be as you wish, son. [To 'Mrs. Lawton]. 
We will try something else. Two hot water bottles and an onion 
porridge three times a day, an hour or so before the pain comes on, will 
do him a world of good, but [finding it difficult to hold him down 
any longer] first he should undress and be put to bed — a good sweat 
will do him a world of good. ..I may look in again later in the 
evening. [Unties the towel and lets Maxie off.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Quite unnerved, accompanies Maxie to the 
door] . 

MAXIE [Protestingly]. To bed at this hour! By Jupiter, no, no! 
[To Robert.] You go to. . . [Exits.] 

LOUISE [To Robert, reassuring herself that they are alone]. You 
did this quite well, my dear... I was almost afraid that you would 
overdo it! [Pause.] Poor mother, she is completely unnerved; you 
will have to reassure her before you go or it is us for a gloomy 
evening. 

ROBERT. I will! 

LOUISE [Thoughtfully, her eye on the advertisement]. Suppose 
you return later as someone or other [pointing to the ad] and try 
to cheer us up. 

ROBERT [Thoughtfully]. How large is the supply of packing 
paper and twine in Maxie's room? 

LOUISE [Reflectively]. Quite some! 

ROBERT [Quickly.] Good. I will try! [Embracing her then 
walking toward the hall entrance, stopping at Maxie's door. To Mrs. 
Lawton] You must not disturb my patient, Mrs. Lawton, as you 



14 MARRIAGEABLES 

well know it is nature that performs the cure. He must have perfect 
rest. Go to the dining-room and finish your tea. 

MRS. LAWTON. Our tea is excellent. Will you join us, doctor, 
for a bite of tea and a sip of cake. 

ROBERT [Playfully]. I should love to; sorry a confinement cass 
on hand compels me to refuse. I must keep close watch on mj 
patients, or else they all get well . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Disappointedly]. Duty first. . .But will my son 
get well, do you think? I am so worried. . .You have no idea [Inter- 
rupted] . . . 

ROBERT. My dear lady, do as I do— take life easy !... [Exit 
Robert.] [Mrs. Lawton returns to the dining-room, joining Louise.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Quite unnerved]. I hope it will all blow over 
without the necessity of an operation. It has knocked me off my 
feet completely. [Street bell rings; Belinda answers bell, returning 
almost immediately]. 

BELINDA. Mrs. Baked Beans,, of Boston, our next door neigh- 
bor, wanted to know what de growling was about [pause]. I ioY 
her. . . 

LOUISE [Cunningly]. One can't even be sick without your 
neighbors poking their noses. . . [The hall bell rings again.] 

BELINDA [From the hall]. Whom may you be, please, sir? 

ROBERT. My card. [Enter Belinda.] 

BELINDA [Handing card to Louise]. A funny guy called; he 
am an houghter, a playwriter, hellevatin' de drammar ! . . . 

LOUISE. Not so loud, Belinda, he could almost hear you. [Turn- 
ing the card over to her mother.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Reading card]. "Mr. Lymon Stonebrick, Drama- 
tist." I am all upset tonight on account of Maxie; tell him to call 
some other time, some other time. [Belinda makes a movement to- 
ward the door, Louise detaining her.] 

LOUISE. Oh, Christmas ! This is not an ordinary professional, 
mother; he is a playwright; you may never get another chance; you 
may never. . . [Interrupted]. 

MRS. LAWTON. 'Perhaps you are right; they are scarce. [To 
Belinda.] All right, I will come out presently and meet him in the 
hall. 

■BELINDA. Yeas, m'm; yeas, m'm. [Is about to exit.] 

LOUISE [Indignantly]. Such treatment for an author !... Ask 
him in!. . . [Belinda exits and returns with Robert.] 

BELINDA [As they are walking, sneezing and bowing]. Excuse 
my appearance, sir, but dis am Monday, our washin' day. . .yeas, sir, 
yeas, sir [grinning]. De aparment am furnished wid all sorts of 
modern inconveniences, as mrs. will tell yer. [Cleaning her nose 



ACT ONE 15 

with apron.] [Robert has a mustache and goatee on. His 
clothes are the same as ■worn by Maxie during the previous act, a 
very poor fit and easily recognizable, but his manner of speech as he 
proceeds is direct, unaffected and engaging. In his left hand he 
carries Maxie's umbrella, and under his arms are neatly tied up 
bundles suggesting manuscript; other bundles of manuscript in his 
right.] [Mrs. Lawton and Louise pretend to be busy in the dining- 
room.] 
ROBERT [Inquiringly]. What rooms have you? 
BELINDA. We has two bedrooms; both is alike [pointing], 
'specially de one on de right! 

ROBERT. You seem to be v^eW informed. [Hesitatingly.] Is 
madam a Christian? 

BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, Lor, no — no, sirree! She am de 
widow of a Congressman. .. [Confidingly.] An' let me tell yyer, she 
am rich; she don't need no money — no, no. . .De apartment am nice, 
de landlady nicer, an' [whispering] she 'as a daughter [kissing her 
finger; noticing the glances of Mrs. Lawton and Louise; confused]. 
From 'ere de rubarbs of de city can be seen and reached in no 
time! — .[Introducing.] Mr. Lemon Stony-broke! .. . 

ROBERT [Bowing to Mrs. Lawton while fidgeting with his bun- 
dles, etc.]. My dear lady... I was sufficiently impressed with your 
advertisement, the outward appearance of your beautiful apartment — 
and — and — to warrant my venturing within. I am tired of living in 
hotels and being the constant prey of chambermaids and bellboys. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Relieving him of his bundles, which she places 
on table]. You are welcome, quite welcome. I am sure you will find 
apartment life an agreeable change. [Introducing Louise.] My 
daughter, Mr... Mr. [examining his card] Mr. Stonebrick, the play- 
wright. [To Robert.] After you have inspected the apartment I will 
show you our novel bathroom. 

LOUISE [Pointing to his umbrella]. Is it stormy outside, Mr. . . 
Mr?... 

ROBERT [His eyes glued to his bundles, anxiously watching 
them]. No, no... but I always take special care when I carry my 
manuscripts with me. [Resting his chin on the handle of his 
umbrella.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Encouragingly]. Quite right! Manuscripts 
are valuable; they are literally traveling gold mines, in typewritten 
covers, and are so very, very useful. 

ROBERT [Playfully] . Useful ? Useful ? Oh, yes, sometimes ! . . . 
[Lifting one of his manuscripts.] Only once has a manager seen 
something useful in one of my manuscripts; only once [pause]. That 
was when his stenographer placed a cheese sandwich between its 



16 MARRIAGEABLES 

pages. [His umbrella gets entangled in the tableclotrh and in the 
process of disentangling it several things on the table as well as his 
chair are upset.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully; lifting the chair and assisting him 
in straightening things out]. What kind of plays do you write, if I 
may ask? [Motioning Robert to a seat.] 

ROBERT [Sitting down]. My plays are intended to be screaming 
farces 1 [Interrupted.] . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. Farces are the thing, you 
know ! . . . An onion will make you cry, but no vegetable has yet been 
discovered which will make one laugh . . . 

ROBERT. No, no vegetable, but the tickling of a feather will 
easily do it. Still, as I said, I strive to amuse and write farces. 

MRS. LAWTON [Approvingly] . Quite right and very practical. 

ROBERT. By the time I am half through with them they turn 
into tolerable comedies, but when finished managers' readers generally 
classify them as " Cryable Tragedies" and. . .and. .. [pointing to the 
bundles] . . .cryable tragedies they are, I assure you. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. I see you are modest, your extreme 
shyness is in reverse ratio to your great name. [Again consulting the 
card.] Lyman Stonebrick, the great author. Stonebrick, Stone- 
brick!. . .[Confidingly.] You know at a charity entertainment my 
daughter once played in one of your delightful pieces ... I don't recall 
whether it was in Lakewood or in Newport; all I remember is that 
it was a fashionable affair, and that the playlet was very clever. . . 
humorous and witty. . .the very thing we wanted — ^the very thing! 

ROBERT [Bowing in acknowledgment]. You are very kind.. 
[Giatefully.] Ah, little indeed does the public know what a long way 
a few kind words go to make us authors happy. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. This is not a compliment; I am 
only stating the facts, I assure you ! ... It was an awfully cute thing. 
Louise just raved over it. [To Louise.] What was the name, dear? 

LOUISE [Thinking]. Let me see [nudging Robert for assistance]. 

ROBERT [Thoughtfully]. Either "Air Castles" or "Bubbles." 

LOUISE [Pointedly]. "Bubbles," exactly! "Bubbles" was the 
name!. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. You are right, dear. I recall it 
distinctly and remember it perfectly now. [Proudly.] I have a 
younger son who will be a great playwright some day [Pause] ; he 
dresses exactly like you! [To Louise.] Doesn't he, Louise? 

LOUISE [Meaningly]. Yes, quite the same; in dress you loolc 
like brothers, only Maxie is too lazy to study. He generally averages 
three vacations of four months each three times a year. ..No, no one- 
will ever accuse Maxie of excess baggage by way of education. When- 



ACT ONE 17 

he was little mother usually paid him money for being good; to-day 
he is good for nothing. 

MRS. LAWTON [Plaintively]. I am sure I offer him every 
advantage ! 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. Evidently he does not want to take advant- 
age of his own mother. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. I am not a match making mother; 
I know nothing about this thing, you know; but if it should happen 
that my daughter falls in love with a playwright I shall indeed be 
very happy. 

LOUISE. There is so much about your art that I am just dying 
to know ! What is your opinion on modern American art ? 

ROBERT [Inquiringly]. American art!... Does it really exist? I 
always thought that the busy American has neither the time nor the 
inclination to form any views on art. He buys amusement as he buys 
merchandise, or, let us say, eggs at a grocery. 

LOUISE [plaintively]. True, we are an art loving not an art 
producing nation. All we ask is that a play shall amuse. This should 
be easy. 

ROBERT. Amusement, like everything else in life, changes its 
aspect and form. There is no guarantee that what amused us yester- 
day will interest us today or entertain tomorrow. Plays which amuse 
me personally would probably not pay for the lightning when produced 
even at the rate of ten dollars a ticket. 

MRS. LAWTON [Cordially]. This is our tea time and our tea 
is fine. You will join us, wouldn't you ? 

ROBERT [Gallantly]. Delighted! Delighted, I am sure. [Taking 
out a card and writing hurriedly upon it.] Pardon me, a new idea 
has just presented itself and I want to write it down whilst I think 
of it. It is the finishing touch to my latest comedy, a creation sure 
to make me famous!. . . [Mrs. Lawton regarding him with admiration 
as he writes.] 

LOUISE [Playfully; handing him a cup of tea]. Tell me, Mr. 
Stonebrick, tell me, are your stage characters drawn from life? 

ROBERT [Pointedly, taking the tea]. My characters are com- 
posite types, the result of observation. I listen with my eyes more 
than with my ears. I let my imagination work so that I see the 
things I hear! 

MRS. LAWTON [Sweetly; helping him with sugar]. What are 
your methods ? . . . 

LOUISE [A pitcher of cream in her R. ; a plate of lemon in her 
L.]. What will you have — cream or lemon? 

ROBERT. A little of each ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Pointedly]. What is your purpose in writing? 



18 MARRIAGEABLES 

ROBERT [Helping himself to lemon. Playfully; at his ease]. 
Sometimes I write to make people feel and think, to awaken them to 
.their responsibilities. Again, as often I write to make them escape 
from thought and to forget their responsibilities. That is what farces 
are made for, you know. 
MRS. LAWTON [Approvingly]. Quite right. 
ROBERT [Earnestly]. Sometimes I dictate to my characters, but 
as often I am merely taking dictation from my characters. My watch- 
word is always inspiration, but I am afraid that more often it is merely 
indigestion. 

LOUISE [Passing along the bread and butter]. What are your 
methods of working out your themes? [Digging into his rib again, 
unseen by her mother] . 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Yes, your methods? Define the 
principles which govern you as a playwright in your choice of themes. 

ROBERT [Eating]. I am governed, not by principles, but moods. 
It comes to me unaccountably. Healthy playwriting is sane hallucina- 
tion. The experienced writer can simulate inspiration, repeating ges- 
-tures and copying tricks, hut it is never quite the same thing. 

MRS. LAWTON. But your methods of treatment. Surely they 
are not inspired!. . . 

ROBERT. You are right there — method i s different. I am 
governed by the thousand and one conditions and considerations of 
the theatrical mart, of which the box office end figures last but not 
'least. 

LOUISE [Summing up]. Speaking plainly, you take an idea, 
think over and consider it deeply until you have something worthy 
of portraying the idea; then you go to work on the plot. 

MRS. LAWTON [Quickly]. Your plots, that's it!. . .How do they 
formulate themselves ? 

ROBERT [Laying aside his bread and butter]. Plot formulates 
itself in obedience to types!. . .Each and every play has to be treated 
differently and upon its merits, new problems requiring different hand- 
ling and solutions. 

MRS. LAWTON.. You should read all the new novels, it will do 
you a world of good. 

LOUISE [Passing the cake). Pardon me Mr. Author, are your 
ideas suggested by the characters of your plays, or your characters 
"by the ideas? 

ROBERT [Taking some cake and breaking it into bits]. Both hap- 
pen, generally the characters control the situations (pause) if they 
don't bulk. When all is said and done, it is the trifles that make per- 
fection, the little things, you know. Again, all the great love scenes 
which people enjoy so much after dinner, are generally written before 
breakfast. 



ACT ONE 19 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. It is all so very interesting. [Hand- 
ing him an'other cup of tea.] The types and source of your plots and 
inspirations, what are they? How much time do you spend on pro- 
ducing a finished play ? 

LOUISE [Helping him with sugar bowl]. Do you encounter any 
obstacles in your work, and if so, what are they ? 

ROBERT [Continues dropping sugar in his cup, one after the other, 
tb their amazement] . These are pertinent questions ! 

[Seriously]. Obstacles, of course there are obstacles. Without 
method there is no progress, with it, everything else is comparatively 
easy. 

MRS. LAWTON [Passing the cream]. How do you write your 
plays, how ? Come tell us ! 

ROBERT [Taking cream]. My dear lady — ask Edison how he 
makes his inventions, ask Carnegie how he made his money, or Mme. 
Melba how she sings — it is so much easier to ask questions than to 
reply intelligently. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully touching him on the shoulder]. And 
why should there be any difficulty in replying. . .[Coquetishly]. Ah, 
I see, you don't care to let rank outsiders in. 

ROBERT [Oears his throat]. Ask the eagle how and why it flys, 
the nightingale how and why it sings, the hen how and why he pro- 
claims the morning? Ask anybody how and why he does the work 
that is given to him to do in this world. Like the needle to the mag- 
net each is drawn to his special work and calling by natural forces 
and is as powerless to resist it as you and I to stop the shining of the 
sun. My plots come to me, that is all, and I write because I have to ; 
I have seen sights and situations which have sunk deep into my heart 
and soul and have' left their imprints, naturally all these impressions 
are longing for expression. My pen writes to express ideas which 
seem to me worth while, struggling after truth, striving to give the 
public something whose basis is life. 

LOUISE. Ah, playwriting is indeed a great profession, and the 
modern stage a big factor in moulding public opinion. 

MRS. LAWTON. Since managers are dependent upon playwrights 
for their plays, playwrights as such practically rule the situation of the 
country. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. We are told that managers simply tumble 
over each other to get hold of a good Mss. [Digging Robert in the 
ribs, when she observes that her mother is not looking]. If the Mss. 
of a poor play contains but one idea, the manager takes the author and 
the idea. . . 

ROBERT [Sardonically]. True, authors are being murdered with 
attention, and the outlook for the modern American playwright is re- 
plete with promise! If there is nothing today, what of it — ^there is 



»0 . MARRIAGEABLES 

always a tomorrow — he is sure to land on his feet again, when his 
soles wear out ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Smiling broadly]. I know you don't mean it. 
An author who says managers don't read or consider plays sent to 
them, doesn't know enough to write a play, at any rate, I am sure you 
are not that man. 

LOUISE [Approvingly]. You are right there, mother, managers 
are looking for good plays as hard as they can, they all want them, 
they all need them ^[pause], the play is the thing, you know. Any 
man who can turn out even a half finished play has a great brilliant 
future before him. 

ROBERT. Yes, the authors future is always rosier than the present, 
the eagerness of producing managers to obtain the Mss. of new 
authors is aggravating and the codling, quite true, is something 
awful!... 

I wouldn't pay ten dollars for the best musical comedy Mss. in 
which our experienced managers invest ten times ten thousand dol- 
lars and make it pay. You see my point, the good play is an unknown 
quantity. I feel that their productions are no plays at all and they 
think the same and even less about mine. Again, authors are in love 
with themselves, they have no rivals. Every modern author considers 
himself superior to Shakespear, but his brother author, oh what a 
bore!. . . [Enter Belinda, bringing a fresh silver teapot.] 

BELINDA [Excitedly], Dat darn fool of a seltzer man lifted de 

dumbwaiter way above our floor, ringin, ringin, ringin! I opens de 

door an looks out an he bang, bang de dumbwaiter seltzer an all on 

me poor 'ead! ,[Her hands to her head]... Oh me 'ead, oh me 'ead, 

me poor 'ead. . . [Picture]. 

LOUISE [Examining Belinda's head]. In the future, Belinda, take 

•care. 

MRS. LAWTON [Angrily]. Don't interrupt me again. [Motion- 
ing to Belinda to withdraw, who exits with cold teapot] . [To Robert] . 
It is all my fault, I spoil my servants. It was provoking to be inter- 
rupted just when you were about to tell us. . .the secret of your song! 

ROBERT [Shyly]. Characters interest me, people generally excite 
my curiosity, as for the rest, you will excuse me I 

MRS. LAWTON [Coquettishly]. No ! no ! We will not take no for 
an answer, come now ! . . . 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. The real secret of modem playwriting cen- 
ters around one thing only, the knack of getting what you have to say 
over the footlights, everything else does not matter; these are all the 
points of dramatic writing all in one — and one in all ! 

MRS. LAWTON. Of the real secrets connected with your work, 
you have said nothing. 

LOUISE. You want to keep your little tricks of dramatic construe- 



ACT ONE 21 

tion up your sleeve. . .keep us mere playgoers on the other side of the 
footlights. . . [Nudging him] tell us ! How do you write your plays? 

ROBERT [Protestingly]. As one of the public you should content 
yourself with results. [Placing his hands on his bundles and count- 
ing them as if they were in immediate danger of disappearing.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Come tell us — we are simply dying 
to know. [Getting hold of one bundle and is about to unwrap it.] 

ROBERT [Taking away the bundles, quickly]. Well, then,,.. 
Listen ... Entirely apart from studying my own subject very closely, 
I see every play produced and study the market until I am convinced 
that I know what managers want and how they want it. 

MRS. LAWTON. I see, you are a sly one!... This, of course, 
makes it easy sailing for you. 

ROBERT. Well, not exactly, after chosing the subject on which I 
intend to write, I spend from four to six months of nerve racking on 
the Mss., and finally it is finished, a new play, a favorite child of miy 
brain is ready to see the light. 

MRS. LAWTON. And then?. . . 

LOUISE. And then?... 

ROBERT. And then, managers and their readers tell me that the 
successes of last season could not be repeated this year, that entirely 
new subjects and workmanship of a different character are essential. 
They don't know what is really wanted, but they are quite sure they 
don't want what I have to offer and another Mss. goes into the waste 
paper basket, for that is all they are good for, you know, and another 
year of strenuous life is charged up to life's loss account. 

LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Possibly your plays touch the heart 
through the mind while our managers want plays that touch the mind 
through the heart. Ours is essentially a feeling public. Europeans 
think, Americans feel [pause] . . . 

MRS. LAWTON. I have read in the papers that you cannot dovv^n 
a good play! 

ROBERT [Inquiringly]. And what is a good play? 

In Second Street the public and managerial conception of a good 
play is a page of Life, replete with conflict, which, as a rule, starts 
after marriage or, let us say, at the Church door. The more loaded a 
play is with long dialogues and a treatise on abstract philosophy, songs 
and recitations, boisterous acting and over-exaltation of the actors in 
their own lines, the more certain it is to carry over the footlights. 

In Forty-second Street the desire for conflict may be the same, but in 
all other respects the conception of a good play from the standpoint 
of Managers and audiences, is diametrically the opposite. All conflict 
must, as a rule, end at the Church door ; long dialogues never survive 
the very first rehearsals, abstract philosophy, which does not bear di- 
rectly on the case in hand, is not wanted; and no West End author 



22. MARRIAGEABLES 

could be even accused of the attempt at untimely songs and unwar- 
ranted recitations, nor a leading West End actor of laughing at his own 
jokes. 

Between the photo plays of Third Avenue and plays as represented 
in the best artistic productions on Broadway, the distance is that of 
thousands of years in artistic study struggle and developm.ent, yet there 
is no dividing line, and the Third Avenue Manager is as persistent in 
the carrying out of his ideas of a play as the West End Manager in 
his. There is no ideal of taste, no other definite standard than the 
amount of ready dollars behind a given production. 

Like the public, authors and play readers, managers are generally 
ignorant about the possibilities of a given play in Mss....The best 
judgment a manager exercises is only based upon his experience of the 
public's inexperience. 

MRS. LAWTON. If managers don't know, v*^ho does? 

LOUISE. I would like to find the "nigger" in the fence ! 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. The fact is that six youngsters employed 
as readers by our managers, generally decide the dramatic fate of our 
great country and less than eighty people supply the market for which 
eight millions are aspiring. 

Again, our stage is in the hands of the speculative showman, man- 
agers conduct theatres for financial gain only; claims of art are not 
admitted and the dollar sign alone is the recognized emblem of dra- 
matic success. 

MRS. LAWTON. No ; this is not the reason. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. What then?. . . 

ROBERT, Here is another — Few men, if any, outside the author 
are competent to judge the possibilities of a given Mss., least of all 
our leading managers and 'their readers. They have seen so much 
and read so much more that a joke which might appeal to the public 
as broad enough to be carved with a knife will never call forth a 
smile from them. To make a manager's reader smile, one has to 
send for Jimmy Valentine. Believe me, madam, that until a play has 
been in rehearsal for some time the only person who is enthusiastic 
about it is generally the author — on the part of all others it usually 
requires a great deal of confidence. . .A play practically does not 
exist until it is put on. An untried authors prospects of success are 
therefore in exact proportion to the number of his personal friends 
who are willing to back him, without reading his manuscripts. 

MRS. LAWTON [Protestingly]. No no, surely. . .What about 
our experienced producers? - 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. Study the market and you will find that 
practiaclly no play which comes from men outside the ring gets a 
proper hearing. The Mss. which are sold are the products of play 



1 



ACT ONE 23 

readers, stage managers or husbands of favored actresses, all other 
Mss. are generally returned ! . . . 

LOUISE. I am afraid you are one sided on authors. Managers 
are compelled to consider only plays that meet with the requirements 
of the particular stars under contract with them. 

MRS. LAWTON [Plaintively]. Besides, my good friend, the cost 
of mounting modern plays is great and the taking it off, if it is a fail- 
ure, has to be carefully considered. A manager can't speculate 50,000 
or so for the mere pleasure of pleasing a young author. 

ROBERT [Triumphant]. I am not finding fault with individuals, 
I am merely pointing out conditions. Playwriting is a hard and 
dreary business at its best and a man who goes into it as a means of 
livelihood is a darned fool. A man who gambles on the race tracks 
risks one to five or one to ten, the playwright who gambles on his 
Mss. as a means of livelihood, in competition with the other eight 
million writers for the stage, risks a thousand times as much. 

MRS. LAWTON [Her enthusiasm vanished]. Well I declare! 

ROBERT. I am not complaining in the least I assure you. I 
have been reading plays for fifteen years including most of the plays 
which have been produced and made money, yet the only Mss. I was 
ever tempted to invest in, if I had the money, are my own ! . . . Why 
should managers think more favorably of my Mss. than I do of their 
finished productions?. . . 

LOUISE. Quite true! 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. Nine hundred and ninety-nine out of each 
thousand of men and women who write for the stage must look for 
the reward in the work itself and find it in the doing. My plays are 
always a success as far as I am concerned, but it is only on rare oc- 
casions that they please others. For this reason I always keep my Mss. 
on the mantlepiece near the fire, the only place where they are sure 
to receive a warm reseption. 

MRS. LAWTON [Relieving him of his cup]. I see, your profes- 
sion is divided into two classes, successful dramatists, consisting of a 
handful of men who earn a living from writing for the stage and 
eight millions or so of aspiring playwrights who waste their time and 
good money on what may be termed as worthless effort. 

ROBERT [Nods in approval]. Exactly, as far as financial returns 
are concerned. 

[Belinda shows herself at the door, laboring under great excitement, 
but afraid to enter.] 

BELINDA. Axing your pardon, Mrs.mm, mam, axing your par- 
Jon. .. 

MRS. LAWTON [Angrily]. What did I tell you Belinda. . .didn't 



24 MARRIAGEABLES 

I tell you?. .. [Stamping her foot, as Belinda is about to reply.] 
Hold your tongue, if you want to hold your job!. . . 

BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, Mrs. Mme, mm, somethin awful, ter- 
rible! Maxie's stomach, mam; it's been growin' bigger and bigger 
[Showing with her hands its present approximate size]. 

MRS. LAWTON [Quickly]. Dear, dear, dear. I should never 
have allowed the Doctor to leave, I should have kept him here over 
night anyway ! Oh God, how helpless one feels in all such cases with 
no doctor around to scold. 

LOUISE [Nervously]. I have a sick brother in the house [rising] 
please excuse me [aside to Robert] ... Get into the kitchen Bob, the 
washing blue is fine! [Kisses him, unnoticed by her mother.] 

ROBERT [Picking up his bundles and umbrella in a great hurry 
— apologetically]. You have my profound sympathy. ..I am the one 
to apologize, excuse me, excuse me. . .1 won't bother you to show me 
the room now, some other time, some other time. [Bowing to the 
ladies, drops his umbrella and while picking it up, he loses a manu- 
script, other Mss. drops to the floor as he picks up the first one, bus.] 
[Exits right. Topsy heard howling.] 

BELINDA [From the kitchen]. Topsy, Topsy, soft pedal! Eh, 
dere! lookout for de washin blue, Mr. Houter, look out, look houtJ 
[A noise of broken crockery soon follows — Topsy howling heard 
again.] Watch your step, watch your step, Mr. Houter. 

[Louise exits.] 

ROBERT [From kitchen]. Oh, that dog! O, that dog! 

[Enter Belinda.] 

BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh, me, Oh my, de playwrights raised 
merry cane in de kitchen, broke his glasses an tumbled ober de tub of 
washin blue, — smashin de table crockery and upsettin' de blue all over 
de floor; gee wheeze, what a pickle. 

MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved], Well, upon my word, goodness, 
gracious, what an unlucky day, what an unlucky day. . . [Uneasy] 
Is the gentleman hurt? Is he injured? 

'BELINDA. No, no, he arn't, he only hurt his underspiner! But 
de kitchen floor, de kitchen floor mam, has been turned into a river 
of blue ! . . . 

[Robert shows himself in the door, freeing himself from Topsy, 
who hangs behind, holding on to his trousers.] 

[Enter Robert, limping.] 

[His broken eyeglasses hanging on his coat, the ends of his trousers 
and coat, gloves, sleeves and shoes are covered with blue, his trousers 
are torn near the knees. His Mss. are all wet and from them and the 
umbrella, blue is dripping.] 



ACT ONE 35 

ROBERT [Depositing Mss. and umbrella on the floor and sitting 
down on chair in helpless position, nursing his left foot] . I am ruined ! 
Oh, my sorrow is too deep for tears! [Snuffing]. Oh, my sorrow is 
too deep for tears! [Picking up umbrella, placing it between his legs, 
his 'hat upon it.] My sacred works and thoughts of a life time, like a 
child's snowball and the Spanish navy have been completely wiped 
out and vanished in a single careless moment! [Tragically.] My 
dramatic career is ended! [Snuffing]. 

MRS. LAWTON [Sympathetically. Throwing her handkerchief 
to him]. Why ended, say it has only just begun, you certainly have 
never looked more tragic [correcting herself] I mean dramatic in all 
your life. 

BELINDA [Offering 'him paper and pencil]. So you is, so you is, 
sah, yeas sir, yeas sir [grinning] 'ere am a pencil, sir, an while your 
'and am dryin', you may write wid your feet a new comedy [taking 
in the picture, grinning broadly] . 

ROBERT [Irritated, snaps his finger and lifts his right foot as if 
about to strike] . Bah, a tragedy, perhaps, a tragedy ! . . . 

,[Topsy heard barking in the kitchen, Robert all excitement quickly 
mounts the nearest chair, examining his legs and trousers]. Watho 
she bumps ! Oh, oi, oh, that dog ! . . . Saying grace again ; Oh, that 
dog! 

MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing Robert contemptibly]. No siree, no 
playwright for me!. . . [Eyeing in disgust the mess on the floor]. He 
certainly has made an impression ! . . . 



CURTAIN. 



26 MARRIAGEABLES 

Act II. 

Afternoon of the next day. Everything is the same as in the first 
act, only in the dining room there are four [three long and one narrow] 
patches of blue on the rug, where Robert's bundles and umbrella were 
deposited at the end of Act I. 

The dining-room table is laid for three. A newspaper L. C, chairs 
near table R. L. and C. facing audience. 

Belinda is discovered in the dining-room, putting finishing touches to 
the room generally, a small rug and a rug beater in her hands. 

The telephone bell rings. 
BELINDA [Placing rug and beater on the nearest chair, taking up 
telephone, holding the receiver at some distance from her ear.] 
Dat ti'some telephone a ringin' again ... ring ! ring! ring! [Finally 
adjusting the receiver to its proper position.] Whom am dar? Wal. . . 
What are it?. . .Yeas!. . .Am I dar?... No, I'se not dar. [Excitedly] 
I'se here, can't you hear, I'se here !. . .Yes, I'se all here !. . .Is I which? 
Is I Belinda? Co'se I is. . .yeas,. . .it am, so it ami. ... 

Yo' am Jakson ob de livery stable... is ye? Wei, wal, ... hollow 
chief ! You was not at de watermillon patch last evening . . . No yo 
was not at Maiden Lane. ..Wal, wal, Jee-ru-se-lem am to pay, an' I 
ain't got no pitch !. . . [Pause] Did you say fowels?. . .yea — chickens, 
roosters . . . fowels ! ... no ... no ... I thouglit you did ! . . . What . . . Dere 
am no1x)dy in de world as nice as I is. . .You mean it?. . .Come again. 
. . .Oh, you kid!. . .Come again. [Enter Louise.] 

BELINDA [Excitedly at phone] Get off, get off de wire. You 
is at de wrong number. 

[Belinda quickly hangs up receiver, picks up the rug and rug beater 
from the chair and resumes her work as above, cleaning chair with 
apron, then re-arranging things on table.] 

LOUISE I say, Belinda. . .about the play wright ... last night, the 

last caller, you know Have you heard him?. .. [Taking her seat 

near the writing desk, the pen suspended in her hand, attracting Be- 
linda's attention.] 

BELINDA [Extending hand holding rug beater] . Has I heard him, 
of couse I has!... He have gone right deep into his subject, like a 
hungry nigger into a bowl ob chicken soup!. .. [Grinning.] Talkin' 
about elkicuton ! . . . 

LOUISE [Irritated]. I am not talking about elocution, have you 
heard him leave. I mean,. . .tell me, tell me exactly what happened. 

BELINDA [Replacing rug on floor]. When I dink of dis hig'h 
haughtor, it makes mi blood like pinpoints ... [Laying aside the rug 
beater.] Dat man will live long after de English language am for- 
gotten and watermillions cease to grow in Jersey. 



ACT TWO 27 

LOUISE [Irritated]. I want to know what happened — in the 
kitchen. . . . 

BELINDA. Oh, what a funny guy he am, an what a time I has 
had cleanin' up de kitchen!. . .Goodness gratious, [Pinning up the 
table cloth] I will neber forgit de hexident in de kitchen last ebening, 
as long as I remembers it!. . . [Putting finishing touches to the table, 
generally] Neber!... To begin at de conclusion [Correcting herself], 
to conclude at de beginning. .. [A spoon suspended in her hand]. I 
watched de feller out. . .after he massaged himself wid blue all over!. . 
.My word! He walks briskly, den suddenly stops, turns around, yeas, 
I was dere...he were all upset an as he reached de door says: "All 
my scripts lost, I'se ruined, Gee wis, what will become of de American 
drarma!. . .Laugh, I though I would skreetch !. . .. 

LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Poor fellow, if I only knew where 
he lives, I would send him a few barrels of ink and a few sheets of 
paper, just to get him started again!. , . 

BELINDA [Excitedly]. Oh gosh! Don't you send him any blue 
ink, whatever you does, dat man am not to be trusted wid dis high 
"blue liquid. . . 

MAXIE [from hall]. Where the devil is that nigger? 

[Enter Maxie, door L., wearing the rubber curtain of the shower 
bath in a nickeled ring, his drawers show through the opening at 
end of buttoned up curtain [picture]. 

MAXIE. I will never lend anything to anybody as long as I live. 
Your actor friend. . .damn him! [Lifting his hand from within the 
curtain.] The best I've got out of yesterday's little affair is the 
worst of it. 

LOUISE [Inquiringly]. Surely Maxie you have some other 
clothes ? 

MAXIE [Desparingly]. Sure, Sis... A closet full!... but Avhat is 
the use?... The closet is locked, the key is in my waistcoat pocket 
and your actor friend has the vest ! . . . 

LOUISE [Consoling]. Robert will make good. Nervously] Don't 
let mother see you in this. .. [Pushing him out of the room.] Put 
on your dressing gown, anything, anything ! 

MAXIE [Returning] . Just think of my predicament. You say your 
actor friend will make good . . . Bah ! Anytime I can do him good, I 
will "do" him good!. . .1 will never lend anything to anybody. . .never 
. . .lend. . . [Pause.] . . .lend me a ten-spot. [Extending his hand.] 

LOUISE. Be calm, dear, be calm. You have my sympathy. 

MAXIE. Bah! [Desparately.] Hang sympathy, I don't want it. .. 
I want my clothes, my pants! [Bus.] My trousers! My pants!... 
[picture.] 



28 MARRIAGEABLES 

BELINDA [Sympathetically]. Too bad your trousers ain't 'ere. .. 
but I is quite sure to find you a negligee shirt an' collar. 

MAXIE. [Sarcastically.] That will help a whole lot. . . 

LOUISE. [Tapping him on the shoulder]. You are a very 
promising young man, Maxie, considering the amounts you borrow, 
and you have such winning ways when you are not losing. I always 
liked you. Even when you were little you were constantly borrowing 
money to save up. I used to give you 10 cents for codliver oil 
every time you took it and. . .bought a new bottle for the money as 
soon as a dollar was reached. By the way, isn't it about time you pai'd 
me what you have borrowed ? 

MAXIE, Sis. darling, it is not a question of time, but a question 
of money! 

LOUISE. [Handing him money, placing her hand on his left shoul- 
der sternly]. Maxie, this time I am not lending [Maxie eyeing her 
questioningly] , I am giving it to you !. . . 

MAXIE. If I take no exercise I feel I will get sick in earnest 
[stretching himself]. Cooped up for two days and a night in that 
little hole! [pointing to bedroom]. I feel stiff all over !,.. [Making 
violent movements, dancing about the room, etc.] 

LOUISE [Excitedly, getting hold of him]. Mother is coming. 

[Exit Maxie Left.] [Enter Mrs. Lawton Right.] 

BELINDA [Rejoicing]. Ah, 'ere am Misses. 

LOUISE [To her mother]. Belinda was just telling me about the 
arrangement you made [Emphatically] with this interesting play- 
wright. 

MRS. LAWTON [Crossly]. I don't want to lead him astray into 
the paths of virtue. I hope he isn't where I wish he was — never 
speak to me of 'him again ! 

BELINDA [Approvingly]. Misses am right ... What are he?... 
Oh lor, or lor, didn't he make me sit up when in de kitchen. [Pause.], 
I reely don't dink he am de right kind of a hairpin. De washin' blue 
am what I has again 'him. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. He is all wrapped up in his art, art is the 
dramatists real mistress. Wouldn't you like to see me marry liim, 
Belinda? 

BELINDA [Displaying her teeth]. He am no class, no reefinement, 
nor heducation, no nothin'; you scrambled wid. ..dis: No, no, let 
him split his name wid some one else — I would like to see you marry 
an aristo-cro-crat. Miss, and become a Dukes ! 

LOUISE [Playfully]. I a Duchess. No Belinda, there is where 
you are wrong, I shall never marry a Dutchman, What is your 
opinion, Belinda, ^bout married life generally? 



ACT TWO 29 

BELINDA [Self-possessed], Well, well, Miss, dat ar pends alto- 
geder how dey enjoys demselves . . . What I wants to know am dis : 
When a man an a feminine gets married, an dey ain't neider ob dem 
got any ding, now, now to whom does de dings belong to. .. 

LOUISE [Smiling]. This is a pertinent question. 

MRS. LAWTON [Taking her seat at centre of table]. Stop talk- 
ing nonsense. This will do, Belinda ! Bring in the soup. [To Louise.] 
Marry a playwright, indeed ! If a man failed when he had but one 
life to manage, how can such a man be entrusted with the management 
of another? [Exit Belinda.] The wives and children of authgrs and 
composers live in the kitchen of the imagination and their last compo- 
sitions are generally compositions with their creditors. 

LOUISE [Teasingly]. Possibly, possibly with authors generally 
[Pause.] but playwrights, mother, playwrights are different. I can 
name five men and one woman whose combined fortune exceeds a 
million. 

Mrs LAWTON [Sneeringly]. Six peple, among a ninety-million 
population, or one in fifteen million, and this average is about right. 

LOUISE [Protestingly]. You are wrong, mother, managers declare 
that they may lose, but authors never, authors by the terms of their 
contracts draw their share of the gross receipts all the time, success 
or no success. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Assertively] . Which authors, the same handful 
of people that can be counted on the fingers of one hand, but what 
about the others. No, my child,. ...we will steer clear of ink. . .there 
is nothing in it but iron and gall. I will have absolutely nothing to do 
with a member of the scribbling fraternity. [Pause.] An author 
should keep singk. — It is the hardest of his tasks, but at the same time 
the source of his strength. [Sneeringly.] Playwright indeed, nine 
hundred and ninety-ninb of each thousand, as I understand it, never 
get anything ! . . . 

[The telephone bell rings, Louise taking receiver.] Yes, yes, Dr. — 

. We are perfectly delighted to hear from you. . .your patient,. . . 

your patient enjoyed poor health the whole evening, but this morning 
he complained of feeling better !. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Tell him... tell him that he lay 
speechless for eighteen hours during the night and his constant cry 
was "Dr., Dr. don't leave your sponges behind. . . " 

LOUISE [At phone]. Yes, he awakened in the centre of the night 
. .'How is he doing now? He is doing well, very well! [Pause.] He 
likes taking medicine ; it gives him something to do ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Ask him if Maxie is allowed to 
come to the table or to have some solid food. [Aside.] Maxie is 



30 MARRIAGEABLES 

artistic, but his appetite is not temperamental. [Sighs.] Ah, poor 
Maxie ! 

LOUISE [At phone]. Mother wants to know if Maxie is allowed 
to have some solid food?. . . [Repeating.] No, not just yet, but he may 
come to the table [Aside.] if he dares!. ..what!. .'[Repeating.] Give 
him eighteen ounces of strychnine, mixed with 17 ounces of carbolic 
acid, repeat in half an hour if this doesn't settle him. Thank you. 
Doctor, [Smiling broadly] I will. . . Iwill do exactly as I am told!. . . 

[Hanging up receiver — to Maxie through the door.] The Doctor 
says you may come to the table . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. The Doctor is a dear! 

[Belinda wheels in Maxie in an invalid's chair and dressing gown, 
conveying in every respect his mother's impression about the serious- 
ness of his illness. Maxie taking his seat at the table L. C] 

MRS. LAWTON [Nervously, petting him]. How ill you are look- 
ing, my boy, my darling iboy ! . . . 

MAXIE [Coughing repeatedly all the time]. 

[Belinda brings him a bowl of onion porridge, then replies to a 
ring at the bell,] 

MAXIE [Picking up plate and burning his fingers]. Gee, that plate 
is hot! [Lifting it with his napkin, gallantly to Louise.] Will you 
have some chloroform, I mean an appetiser, darling... I will share 
my last onion with you. . . [Pause.] if you like onions !. . . 

LOUISE [Indignantly]. Certainly, certainly not! But I will have 
salt. [Uses salt, then empties the salt cruet into his porridge.] 

MAXIE [Excitedly]. You will spoil my medicine!. . .you are heart- 
less, perfectly heartless. [Belinda returns.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Stop, children, you will ruin the tablecloth. 

BELINDA [Grinning]. It was only de neighbor, Mrs. Baked Beans 
of Boston, inquirin' how young Maxie is.. 

MRS. LAWTON. Very kind of Mrs. Beans. 

BELINDA. I tol' her, I tol' her — eighteen. [Grinning.] She were 
afraid he would get off de handle an' go to Dixie land. 

MAXIE. [Playfully]. You need not be afraid of my dying, [Pause.] 
It i's the last thing I will ever do ! [Holding finger on the point of 
knife.] You see the point? 

LOUISE [Teasingly]. Maxie, you speak too much. 

MAXIE. I will speak as long as I please. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. You spoke longer than you please already. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Don't quarrel, children. [Eyeing 
them affectionately.] This looks like old times. 

MAXIE [Examining newspaper ne?r him] . No, it is an old Herald; 
I thought so. 



ACT TWO 31 

LOUISE [Teasingly]. Maxie, you have but one joke and this is aa 
old one. 

MRS. LAWTON [Handing some apple sauce to Louise]. Louise, 
give it to Maxie. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. I am giving it to him. 

MAXIE [Gravely]. Good, very good, it couldn't be worse. 

LOUISE [Playfully] . I am glad Maxie was in bed when the author 
called, or I am afraid. . . [Interrupted.] 

MAXIE [Placing nickeled dish cover on his head, as a helmet, taking 
tray in his left hand and a long loaf of bread in the other and straight- 
ening himself out to a fighting position]. A duel. [Waving the loaf 
of bread in the air.] A duel. . .if ever I catch the follow again. [Re- 
peating his military advances and movements.] Just fancy a man 
"listening with his eyes, and seeing wifh the back of his head." 

The hall bell rings. [Enter Belinda.] 

MRS. LAWTON [In a temper]. The potatoes are burned! 

BELINDA. Yeas mm, yeas mm ! . . . I've tried a new experiment 
from de cook 'book you bought at de Hector's fair. . . [Despairing.] . . . 
I hope dem Hectors an' Hectoresses will use it to better advantage. 

[The hall bell rings again, Belinda passes through hall and returns 
with card, (handing it to Mrs. Lawton.] 

BELINDA [Some time after handing the card]. A card for you, 
ma'am. 

MRS. LAWTON. Shut up, you goose. 

BELINDA [Pointedly], He am a lawyer, also a gentleman, like- 
wise honest. 

MRS. LAWTON [Reading]. Mr. Always Delay, of the firm Prom- 
ise, Postpone ajui Delay. [To the children, whispering in their ears 
in turn and motioning them to leave the room.] 

LOUISE [As she exits]. Always Delay! 

MAXIE [As he exits]. Always Delay! 

MRS. LAWTON [Watching them off]. Tell me, Belinda, [Point- 
ing towards the hall] how does he look?. . .Re-arranging things on 
table, powdering her face, etc., full of anticipation. 

BELINDA [Whispering]. New clothes, an'. . .an'. . .you will see 
for youself , Mm, I has took to 'im tremendous ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Tidying herself before mirror in Library, to Be- 
linda] . Show the gentleman in. [Exits door R.] 

[Exit BeJinda into hall and returns with Robert] 

[He carries an imposing legal portfolio in his L. hand, two volumes 
of law-books in the familiar legal binding under his arm, and his make- 
up is in great contrast to his two previous impersonations.] 

BELINDA [Excitedly] . De room am thirty dollars a month, sir, but 
she may make it forty for you. Dis am a large magnesia house, wid a 



3S MARRIAGEABLES 

nice pizzaro an' a splendid lemonade all around de house . . . exactly five 
minutes fromi everywhere, an' within a stone's drow from here am de 
Subway. 

ROBERT [Playfully]. Well, well, practically an absolute guarantee 
of good air, you know. 

BELINDA [Emphatically]. 'Xactly! Yeas sir, yeas sir, it do, so 
it do! Only once has I been wid Mrs. to de country, an' de fresh 
air dere have made me positively sick, 

[Enter Mrs. Lawton in changed dress. Belinda quickly exits.] 

ROBERT [Depositing bag and law books on table. Bowing to 
Mrs. Lawton] . I am a lawyer and always like the party of the second 
part to be explicit, to reduce everything to writing, [Bows.] that is 
why your advertisement attracted me. 

MRS. LAWTON [Admiring his imposing hand bag and books, — 
encouraged]. If I want anything, my motto is to go straight for it 
and get it ! . . . 

ROBERT [Busying himself with his portfolio, opening and closing 
it]. You know, it is the only way, and it is also my way! [Pause.] 
However, before discussing terms for the bedroom, I must know if it 
includes library privileges. 

MRS. LAWTON [Apologetically] . Our library is sadly neglected, 
but such books as we have are at your disposal, cheerfully, gladly. 

ROBERT. My reference was to library, space [pointing to his 
books] . I have books of my own, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Next to doge, cats and... men, 
books are cheerful companions. [Joyously.] The entire vacant space 
in the library is at your disposal, fill it up to the ceiling if you like. 

ROBERT. [Measuring the distance 'between the ornamental mantel 
and wall]. This disposes of a fraction, you know, but the bulk of my 
books, where am I to place them ? 

MRS. LAWTON [In an accommodating mood, closing the library 
door leading into inside hall]. For your sake I will keep this door 
closed and you can fill up this space as well with books to the very 
ceiling [Smiling broadly.] and to your heart's content. 

ROBERT. This disposes of about one-third of my legal library. 
[Pause.] What am I to do with the rest? You know. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Puzzled]. Good Lord, man, how many volumes 
have you? 

ROBERT [Dubiously]. Thousands... 

MRS. LAWTON [Left hand on her chest]. You take my breath 
away ! 

ROBERT [Measuring with tape the space between the walls and 
writing it down on a card] . Yes, mam, "A modern corporation is no 



ACT TWO 33 

money surrounded by creditors and there is a special law for each and 
every creditor to show why his special account should not be paid !" 

MRS. LAWTON [Earnestly] . You surprise me ! 

ROBERT. When Moses first gave the commandment of "Don't 
Steal", in two words, you know, it probably never occurred to him, 
that under a higher civilization so many thousands of volumes would 
be written and printed in favor of the party of the second part ! 

AIRS. LAWTON [Surprised]. So many volumes in favour of 
legalized thieves ! , . . 

ROBERT. Exactly ! . . . Gradually 'but persistently the industrial 
■equipment of the nation has passed into the absolute control of a 
plutocracy leaving for the producers just enough to exist on, and all 
this has been accomplished and is being accomplished under the pro- 
tection and operation of the law. 

MRS. LAWTON. You astonish me ! 

ROBERT. In the great battles for economic independence the use 
of dynamite is not limited exclusively to America and the McNamaras. 
Indeed, it is sometimes used by terrorists even in civilized Russia. But 
in the methods of depriving the great mass of the working people of 
their savings, easily, freely and "legally" America is absolutely su- 
preme! Here through all kinds of legalized larceny the people at 
large are deprived of their savings as easily as a child of its candy, and 
in this the American continent has absolutely no rival nor equal. 

MRS. LAWTON. Well, upon my word!. . . 

ROBERT. The total amount of larceny committed in this great 
country of ours in violation of law is trivial and insignificant compared 
with what is accomplished annually through glorious larceny as prac- 
ticed by our big corporations under the full protection of our laws. 
Hundreds of millions are fleeced annually from the toiling masses, by 
fake m.ining companies, instalment lot companies and in various other 
legalized speculations of the worthless kinds. When you think of 

the amount of legal machinery required to transfer annually the 
wealth of the many into the coffers of the few owners of the national 
resources, you will not wonder why we have so many law books. 

MRS. LAWTON [Assisting him with his tape]. You are jesting:, 
sir. Tell me, tell me truly, how can one account for so many law 
books?. . . 

ROBERT [Bending down on his knees to assure correct measures]. 
We have too many laws ; so many that even lawyers cannot read them 
and do not know them. [Getting up.] It is hard to keep pace with 
the laws. Every legislator thinks himself a salon and attempts to pass 
all the laws he can, you know. Pen and ink is cheap and that is prac- 
tically all the capital and material lawmakers require. 



34 MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS, LAWTON. At any rate, I am sure these volumes of laws 
are not marriage laws ; in marriage, very simply the two are made one. 

ROBERT [Inquiringly]. Which one? 

MRS. LAWTON. Now, now really! Is the law divided into so 
many departments and sections ? 

ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. Candidly, madam, "The Code of the 
State of New York is staggering under the weight of its sections. 
Some judges know more law than they know life and champion some 
outworn philosophy which they impose on the people." Again we have 
glorious larceny as practiced by the rich, for whom laws practically 
do not exist, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON [Puzzled]. Glorious larceny. [Pause.] The 
term is new. 

ROBERT [Confidingly]. Glorious larceny consists exclusively of 
robberies committed under the protection of the law by the great bus- 
iness interests operating under the supervision of the greatest corpora- 
tion lawyers. [Pause.] It is my special forte, you know. Jim the 
Penman of old used to forge a man's name to a check and draw upon 
it what he could at the time. . .that was all !. . .Nowadays, the corpor- 
ation lawyer has invented greater and more powerful weapons. He 
gets real signatures to documents which are forged in the interest of > 
the corporation, his client, and in this way obtains far better results, 
you know. 

MRS. LAWTON. How so? 

ROBERT [Plaintively]. You see, in this way the victims keep on 
paying them money year in and year out for the rest of their natural 
life and never find out that they have been robbed until they are old 
or dead, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON. Why should one deal with soulless corporations 
who are using the law itself as a means and ways for the undoing of 
the people? Of what value is a legal claim against a corporation, 
backed up by corporation attorneys, such as you. 

ROBERT. None whatever, I admit, but what is one to do when the 
corporation in question is in absolute control of the desired article, as 
is generally the case,. . .you know. For us to relieve the public of their 
money is as easy as taking candy from a baby. 

MRS. LAWTON [Reflecting]. I see you know your loaded dice 
well . . . You know how to steal according to law. I will do for you 
what I would not do for anybody else. I will allow you to cover up 
the walls of the dining-room and the entire vacant space in the alcove ; 
in fact, you may place your books anywhere, everywhere, in every room 
of the apartment. 

ROBERT [Taking a mental picture of the relative size of the room 
to that of his books]. No, the space is too small, I am quite sure it 



ACT TWO 35 

is ... It will not hold a single thousand of my volumes — the books are 

nnite bulky, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. What a fortune one must have to 
buy so many books, what an intellect to digest them ! 

ROBERT [Proudly]. I should say so!... I am a specializing at- 
torney, my practice is limited to corporation law only, you know 
[Pause.], otherwise my library would be very much larger. [Pause.] 
Candidly, I have taken a great liking to you, but the place is too small, 
I am sorry. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Regretfully]. Well, even if you decide against 
the room, you could still come to see us ! [Excitedly.] I receive the 
last Wednesday of each month,. . .provided it does not fall on a Friday ! 

ROBERT [Cordially], I shall be delighted! It is too bad though 
that we should have to part on account of such a. . .trifle, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON [Walking about, to and fro]. Let me think, let 
me think ! 

ROBERT [Playfully]. I have an idea!. ..The landlord should be 
invited to build an extension, another ten or fifteen feet of space might 
suffice. [Watching the expression of her face, and noticing her disap- 
pointment.] I am so anxious to hit upon a practical working plan, so 
very anxious, you know. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Walking to and fro]. An extension in the air! 
[Pause.] This will never do... and the other tenants will object... 
wait, I have it. . .we will consult my daughter. My daughter, sir, is a 
wonderful manager in such things. .. [Getting excited.] last summer 
when we started for our vacation, she actually succeeded to pack our 
thirty-six hats in but four trunks, and you know what hats are this 
summer! [Calling.] Louise! Louise! [Enter Louise.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Introducing]. My daughter, Mr. Delay, the 
famous lawyer. . . [Robert and Louise exchange courtesies.] Mr. De- 
lay is quite anxious to come and live with us, my dear, if only. . .if only 
...we could find sufficient accommodations for his law books... 
[Pause.] Couldn't you think of something? How did you manage last 
summer to pack our hats so compactly ? . . . Advise us, tell us ! 

LOUISE [Glancing around]. That was quite simple... I removed 
the boxes and placed the hats one on top of the other. If this gentle- 
man is ready to remove the covers from his books, a lot of valuable 
space will surely be saved ! 

ROBERT. Excellent! But you will have to think again. If I 
could save the beautiful covers at the expense of sacrificing the printed 
pages, I would consider it. The books are bought for the bindings, 
you know ! 

[Noticing their animated conversation, Mrs. Lawton withdraws.] 



36 MARRIAGEABLES 

LOUISE [Assuring herself that they are alone. Placing her arm o^ 
his right shoulder]. I tell you, Bob, this will never do... You are 
simply throwing stones in your own way, forcing both of us to walk 
over them ! 

ROBERT [Uneasy]. Has my impersonation of the author failed? 

LOUISE [Playfully]. No, your author was a great success. [Smil- 
ing broadly.] Never again will she entertain a member of the scrib- 
bling fraternity, as a son-in-law ; I refer to your other impersonations, 
your doctor and lawyer. 

ROBERT [Disturbed] . What of them? Anything wrong?. . . 

LOUISE [Earnestly], Everything !.. .More than ever she is now 
impressed with the importance of the doctor and the lucrative rewards 
of the lawyer and she will go for both!. . .The man I love is twice in 
competition with himself as somebody else. [Fingering her left hand.] 
He can't win as he is and he is not what he pretends to be. A trinity 
of one in three and three in one, and when it is all over, what then?. . . 

ROBERT [Grasping her hand] . My darling, be reasonable, in order 
to control the territory, I must keep one of my competitors in the 
field, to the very end... As to the rest, they shall all vanish! [His 
hands on her shoulders.] I enter willingly into this treaty, guarantee 
it [Kissing her on the forehead.] and now I have signed it !. . . 

LOUISE [More composed]. Hurry, deare Maxie and I are right 
in the midst of our dinner. 

[They separate. Enter Mrs. Lawton.] 

LOUISE [To her mother, disappointedly]. I have done my best to 
persuade Mr. Delay to put part of his books in storage, it's the only 
way. . .but he is so terribly undecided. . .1 can do no more. [Exits.] 

ROBERT [Protestingly]. I hope you don't blame me... If you 
were advised to put the best part of your beautiful hats in storage, 
I am sure, you wouldn't like it. 

MRS. LAWTON [Pleasantly]. I would rather go without food! 
If the size of a lawyer's library is the proper index of his clientele you 
must have a very lucrative practice. 

ROBERT [Boastfully]. I can't complain, you know. [Pause.] 
Every case I get stays on my books!. . . [Pause.] although not always 
on the same court calendar. [Pause.] Fighting large corporations is 
like bombarding a fog, you know. 

MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. Would you mind being more ex- 
plicit? 

ROBERT. Quite simple, you know... No final decision has ever 
been reached on any of my claims. All the cases which 1 succeeded 
in placing on the calendar during the said seven years of my legal 
practice, stay there ! If I gain a point in one court it is generally lost 
in another, when it gets there. 



ACT TWO 37 

MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly]. How is it possible? 

ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. If you were in the business, you 
would ask how could it possibly be otherwise! [Pause.] In modern 
law, yoii kiiozv, like in modern warfare, the skill of the corporation at- 
torney consists in fighting his opponent at a respectful distance and in 
keeping him there, keeping the poor litigant stampeding in the vestibule 
of justice, until time has made justice impossible. 

MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously], From the way you speak, one is 
almost tempted to believe that the execution of the law is one thing and 
the administration of justice quite another. 

ROBERT [Playfully]. No practical lawyer denies it. That which 
the big corporations dislike they declare illegal, but for every law which 
may be on the statutes against them, there is a loop-hole, you know. 
[Pause.] and that is what we big corporation lawyers are for. 

MRS. LAWTON [Admiringly]. I shall send down to the cellar 
anything and everything which is not of immediate use, including our 
winter furs and gloves. Every inch of closet room in the kitchen or 
bedrooms is henceforth yours for your learned books. [Emphatically.] 
You shall be suited ! 

ROBERT [Shamming]. On my honour as a lawyer, I am glad and 
very grateful !. . . [Watching closely.] Yoii know, if I may be permitted 
to arrange some of the things in this room, a whole lot more of valu- 
able space will be saved, I am sure. [Gets hold of the two elaborate 
vases at both sides of the mantlepiece, knocks one against the other and 
succeeds in breaking both.] A thousand pardons, so clumsy of me. I 
am truly sorry ! You know . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Repressing her emotions]. Oh, it's nothing, pray 
don't mention it. . .1 am glad they are broken, since their removal will 
aid you in getting more space for your books. They were only an old 
pair, anyway, from the 15th or 16th century, I don't remember which. 
{Collecting the broken pieces and placing them on desk near wall 
R. U. E.] 

ROBERT [Same play]. Now, now, if and when.this desk is moved 
towards the centre, it practically gives me room for another bookcase, 
you know . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Humoring him.]. A capital idea, capital!. . . 

[Robert gets hold of desk, moving it towards C, but by the time it 
reaches its destination, the legs are all broken, and all the articles on 
the desk, letterheads and envelopes, including Robert's portfolio and 
books, scatter about the room.] [Picture.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Heartbroken— picking up from the floor the let- 
terheads, envelopes and other articles scattered, placing them on table]. 
I am glad the desk is broken and done with, since, as you say, it gives 
tis additional space for another bookcase. [Cleaning with her R. sleeve 



38 MARRIAGEABLES 

Robert's portfolio, then depositing it together with his book and other 
articles on table L.] 

ROBERT [Dusting carefully his law books, then glancing about 
the room]. Now, if I could find room for but one more bookcase. 
[Pausing for a moment.] Wait, I have it. . .you know. I will place 
the table where we intended to place the desk, [Pointing.] right there 
in the centre. [Gets hold of the table which shares the same fate as 
the desk, the legs break as soon as the new destination is reached and 
the articles scatter all over the room.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Picking up again his law books and portfolio and 
holding them in her arms — nerving herself]. Now, now that all the 
necessary space has at last been secured, we may consider the bargain 
closed. . .and have s'ome wine in honor of this momentous occasion. 
[Depositing his belongings on dining room table.] I am so glad to 
have a lawyer of your talents as my daughter's constant companion; the 
moral support is simply overwhelming, and if at any time there is 
anything you particularly want, a special kind of meat or pie, why just 
tell me. [Brings forward two bottles. Pointing to the bottles.] I hava 
just two kinds of wine, which will you take ? 

ROBERT [Greedily]. Both !. . . [Comes forward and helps himself 
freely to the wine.] In the presence of such charming company, you 
know, I shall be delighted. . .delighted! Happy days !... [Drinks 
again.] I am glad to have found so congenial a hom€. 

MRS. LAWTON. [Coquetishly]. You seem to be a jolly kind of 
companion for a respectable woman. [Pause.] Oh, marriage is a 
life-long honeyinoon and a sanctuary for pleasure ! 

ROBERT [Protestingly, beginning to feel his wine]. Heaven re- 
deem me from excessive virtue! I like but never practice it... Are 
you threatening me with marriage! Oh [Searching.] you stop at 
nothing ... W-wwhere is my portfolio, my books, my hatP.-.M"^ to 
marry?. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Protesting, quieting him down]. Oh, no, cer- 
tainly, certainly riot, — I am only modestly suggesting that you should 
take a wife. 

ROBERT [Carelessly placing his hat on the gas pipe of chandelier, 
then drinking]. Oh, of course, this is different [Tipsy], well, whose 
wife do you want me to take ? Oh, this wine is spl-en-did ! I feel like 
a depositor in a Robin bank who was paid in full ! [Refilling his glass.] 
Come, let us have another drink. 

MRS. LAWTON. You have seen my daughter, sir. [Pause.] 
Don't you go until you see her again. You shall become friends at 
once. 

ROBERT [Tipsy]. No, no! Certainly, certainly not. [Offering 



ACT TWO 39 

hand.] Let us shake hands on it. . .After all, marriage is better than 
death. Ye gods and Httle fishes, [Glass in hand.] this wine is inspiring. 

MRS. LAWTON [Offers Robert some cakes which he takes and 
eats greedily one after the other, then Robert takes another drink, 
spitting out the cakes and wine on the floor, drops his glass and breaks 
it, to the amazement and disgust of Mrs. Lawton.] 

ROBERT [Picking up one of his law books in reverse position and 
opening it]. Since when have they started to print law books topsy 
turvy? [Drops book on floor with a bang. Replacing book and up- 
setting champagne bottle, beating the table cloth excitedly.] I thought 
I saw snakes. .. [Beats table cloth from other end, then lifting up 
table and upsetting everything.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Disgusted]. Perhaps, you will have some more 
drink. . .You have only had two final bottles. . .1 will turn on the water 
pump. . .1 think it will do you good. . . [Pause] , . .Better still, go and 
ask some obliging friend to put your head into a cooler — go!. . . 

ROBERT [Picking up his law books and portfolio, dropping one as 
he obtains the other article, to be humored with audience, walking 
tipsy manner. To Mrs. Lawton]. I never knew there were so many 
of you, and the more faces you have, the funnier you look. Excuse 
me!. . . [Hand to his mouth.] excuse me!. . .W-w-where is m-my hat. 
[Noticing his hat on chandelier, he snatches it, breaking up the end 
of the gas pipe, kicking it into the library with his foot.] I will see 
the bedroom some other time [Waving his hand at the door.], some 
other time, I will co-co-come ag-gug-gug-gain. [Struggling to keep 
from falling, then exits.] [Slams the door.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Bewildered] . My rug, my best rug ! . . . 

[Maxie and Louise on tip-toe return from their respective rooms, 
Maxie looking for his plate.] 

MAXIE [Finding his plate and getting seated]. I have lost my 
apetite. 

LOUISE [Resuming her former position]. I hope that no poor 
man has found it, it would ruin him. . . [In eager expectation.] Well, 
mother darling, everything settled, settled? [Coaxingly.] Say he has 
taken the room, oh, Christmas, I am so glad, mother dear. 

MRS. LAWTON [Collecting the pieces of broken glass and eyeing 
the mass on the rug]. Unsettled, my dear, terribly unsettled! [To 
herself.] He is undoubtedly a man of quantity and capacity ! [Uneasy 
and returning to table.] If you don't mind I would much rather defer 
judgment, some other time, some other time. [Aside.] I can't stand 
it, I fear I shall faint, I feel it coming. 

LOUISE [Disappointed]. As you like, mother dear, as you like! 
[Aside.] He certainly is some lawyer!. . . 



40 MARRIAGEABLES : 

MAXIE [Excitedly]. He is a hell of a lawyer. . .1 listened at my 
door when this Mr. "You-no7x/' talked about his books... Gee whiz! 
I didn't think there were so many law books in the world. 

MRS. LAWTON [Eating]. I see it all now. . .Lawyers, like drug- 
gists, need much display and show, the only difference is that the 

former never deal in scruples To be a good lawyer requires almost 

everything but a conscience. . . [Eyeing the mass on floor.] Oh, you 
Mr. "You-now" . .. 

MAXIE. Yes, mother dear, from the way he talked one could 
easily surmise that those that go to the law for damages are pretty 
sure to get them. 

MRS. LAWTON [Eating]. Poachers live by snaring of hares, 
lawyers by splitting them. 

LOUISE. Look out, Maxie, you are getting your sleeve into the 
gravy. 

MAXIE [Carefully examinging his sleeve ends]. Laws like sau- 
sages cease to inspire respect in proportion as we know how they are 
made. . .Lawyers as a rule are all settlement workers. . . 

MRS.' LAWTON. I am sick of his law ! [Her hand to her nose.] 

One look at the man will convince you that he studies law from 
necessity. Does anyone smell gas? [Bus.] Oh, my goodness ! 

MAXIE [Excitedly]. I fear an explosion.... 

[All of them looking for the cause, examining the chandelier, Mrs. 
Lawton discovering the broken gas jet, to Maxie.] Bring me some 
cotton, quick ! . . . 

MAXIE [Returning with piece of cotton, Mrs. Lawton stuffing up 
the broken pipe]. I was surprised, like Goliath when David struck 
him with a stone, such a thing never entered our heads before. 

[The excitement subsides, all return to their former positions at 
table.] [The street bell rings.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Our bell is popular this morning! 

BELINDA [Showing herself at the door]. Dat dere door bell ring- 
in' all day long. It mixes me up so much, I don't know where I is . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Instructively]. If it somebody else to look at 
the room, don't admit them! [Pause.] I have had quite enough of 
them for one day. [Exit Belinda into hall L.] 

LOUISE [Playfully]. There is no use denying that you have lost 
two boarders in one day. 

MAXIE. Mother is careless — throwing away chances like this ! 
[Teasingly.] Take another chance, mother, take another chance. 

MRS. LAWTON [Angrily] . Maxie, please pay a little attention to 
me! 

MAXIE [Playfully], I am paying as little attention as possible, 
mother dear! 



ACT TWO 41 

BELINDA [From the hall.] No, sar, no, sar, I ain't made no mis- 
take, sar!. ..You wait, wait! I ain't allowed to permit nobody! — I'll 
see misses !. . . 

ROBERT [At the library door, hat on]. As you please, as you 
please. [Handing a coin to Belinda, who examines and pockets it.] 

BELINDA [Eyeing him]. I' clar sir, if I didn't forget to ax you 
to take off yo' hat, I'm actually gettin' dat absent minded I hain't got 
common perliteness no mo. , . 

[Robert removing his hat and disappearing into the hall.] 

BELINDA [At dining-room door, handing card to Mrs. Lawton]. 
Dere am a gentleman to see you ! [To herself.] Crickey and jeeroo- 
salem, ain't it jolly I Anoder, anoder ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Reading]. Mr. "Windman-Waterit", promoter. 

LOUISE [Cunningly]. It never rains but it pours! [Smiling.] 
What a funny name ! 

MAXIE. Just fancy, a promoter ! . . . A promoter, a promoter, you 
know is a man who furnishes the ocean, if you produce the ships. 
[Pause.] The other day one of them offered me some waterfront 
lots for sale by the quart. [Pause.] I could measure them, he said, 
when the tide was low. 

MRS. LAWTON [To Maxie]. Don't talk, don't talk, Maxie. You 
are better at thinking. [To Belinda, sternly.] I instructed you to 
admit no one, why are my orders disobeyed ? 

BELINDA. He comes from the landlord mam an' insists dat he 
must see you, or he would make us move at once, he says. . . 

LOUISE [Nervously]. From the landlord? Great Scotland, it is 
a nice kettle of fish we are in ! ... A lawsuit ! . . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Disappointedly]. A lawsuit! Something nobody 
likes to lose, nor wishes to have. Show him in, show him in!. . . [Im- 
proving her appearance, whispering to Louise, who exits door left 
Belinda door right.] [Maxie lingers behind.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Unfold your easel, Maxie, and pretend to be at 
work... We will show this promoter that we are indifferent to his 
threats. 

MAXIE. [Moves to library and opens a box from which he takes 
out a folded easel and a semi-finished painting which he instantly places 
in position]. Trust me, mother dear, when it comes to showing off. 
[Gets his brushes and palettes in shape and begins to paint rapidly.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Picking up hand glass from desk and looking 
into it]. Oh, my hair!. . . [Exits door R.] 

BELINDA [From hall]. Wolk right in, sir, into de drawring room, 
de drawring room ! 



42 MARRIAGEABLES 

[Enter Robert door left, dressed as a promoter and prosperous real 
estate broker about town. A contrast to his former make up. His 
clothes are more correct than his grammar, speaks with an accent.] 

MAXIE [Walking over to the left of library and meeting Robert — 
digging him in the ribs — then aloud] . Have a chair, sir, have a chair ! 

ROBERT. Ich danke, Ich danke, [Fidgetting with hat.] I am 
rather restless to-day. Yah! [Moves away from 'Maxie, when the 
latter is about to repeat the digging.] 

MAXIE [Generously]. Well then, have two chairs, have two chairs, 



sir; 



ROBERT [Still standing]. You are kind— Yah! 

MAXIE [Playfully]. How do you spell your name? 

ROBERT. De ordinary, quite de ordinary way. 

ROBERT [Playfully]. Do you know anything about real estate? 

MAXIE, Oh yes, lots! [Enter Mrs. Lawton.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Bowing]. I see you are admiring my son's 
painting Ah, he is a wonderful artist He once painted a cork so 
much like marble that when by mistake I threw it into the water it 
sank like stone ! 

ROBERT [Sympathetically]. Wunderbahr! Wunderbahr. What 
an irreparable loss to de connoisseur. 

MAXIE [Encouraged]. I never studied dentistry, never as a rule, 
look down in the mouth, you know, but [Displaying his pencils] with 
this I can draw every tooth in your head, not only without pain, but 
without the consciousness of the operation, provided you only open 
your mouth and keep your eyes shut 

ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton, surprised]. Virclich? Gott in himmel, 
Vee vunderbahr Vee interesant! I can readily see dat he is a born 
artist. [Examining closely his canvass and noticing that it is but a 
combination of different shades of blue.] [To Maxie.] What is de 
subject of your painting? If I may ask? Nu — ^yah! 

MAXIE. Why, why it is the Spanish fleet an hour after they met 
Dewey... [Dropping painting on floor, picking it up excitedly and 
cleaning the back side of canvass.] 

ROBERT. Donnerwetter ! Och himmel! Vi interesant! De de- 
scription is wonderfully accurate. No one would, no one could dare 
say dat dere is a trace of any warship above de water. . .You should 
put your name at the bottm and in large letters — God, when a man 
can paint like dis, he is not afraid of noding!. . . 

MAXIE [Excitedly]. I should say not ! [To his mother.] Keep 
at a distance, you will spoil my ships. [To Robert again.] My sub- 
ject is absolutely free from all unnecessary objects, a mistake so fre- 
quently noticed nowadays in the paintings of my competitors in the 
Academy of Design and the British Royal Academy. 



ACT TWO 43 

ROBERT [Patting him on the shoulder]. Och, dey don't under- 
stood. Dey don't count! Nein! My young friend, no one could ever 
accuse you of introducing atmosphere into your subjects. [Pause.] 
When you have finished its companion picture — dat of Dewey's fleet 
an hour after de battle, — I know de very party who will buy it ! Gantz 
geviss ! 

MAXIE. This is good news! [Backing out before Robert as he 
exits.] 

MRS. LAWTON. It was very nice of you to encourage my son to 
greater and better effort. [Sweetly.] But you have not called to 
merely discuss paintings. . . 

ROBERT. Yah, I am afraid not, my task is not as pleasant. . .de 
fact is my call is in de nature of a complaint, es tut mir leid ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Uneasy]. A complaint? 

ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Yah, de tenant underneath com- 
plains about blue dripping down from your floor into his apartment 
and spoiling some valuable linen and cloding. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Losing her temper] . You don't think that I have 
done it. That / would do such a thing ? 

ROBERT [Confused]. Yah, nein, nein, yah! You see I sold dis 
house to de present owner and knew dat de walls and ceiling were 
patched wid rubbish [Smiling broadly], but dat dis dirt and rubbisM 
should turn into blue is new to me ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Motioning hint' to a chair, Robert taking it]. 
You speak about dirt and rubbish. [Pointedly.] I knew nothing about 
it when I signed my lease. 

ROBERT [Smiling broadly]. Es ferschteit zich ! Of course not, 
the lease was signed for de landlord's benefit, not yours ! . . . When 
I bought it, you know, it was an old stable wid a leaking roof, he. . . 
he. . . 

MRS LAWTON [Surprised]. An old stable! 

ROBERT [Playfully]. Yah, Yah, gantz nateerlich!. . .1 am an old 
hand at dis dings, I had it polished from widout and patched wid 
rubbish from widin. [Smiling broadly.] When de false front was- 
put on at de top, de building looked up like a woman in her new Easter 
hat! 

MRS. LAWTON [Pointedly]. But this is hardly honest! 

ROBERT [Lighting a cigar]. Gott in Himmel — honest! If you 
want honesty, apply it to someding else dan real estate speculations. 

MRS. LAWTON [Confidingly]. Although you represent the 
owner, I trust you. The blue dripping to the next floor can be ex- 
plained. There was an accident in our kitchen yesterday, an accident 
for which no member of my immediate household is responsible, you 
understand. 



44 MARRIAGEABLES 

ROBERT [Removing ashes from his cigar]. Ich glaube, yes, yes. . . 
the man who did it was a grosser Lump. 

MRS. LAWTON [Convincingly]. I told you the truth... But it 
is new and dissappointing to learn that in my home the walls and 
ceilings are far from soHd! This is terrible! Give me some proofs 
and you will see what I will do. . . 

ROBERT [Puffing at his cigar, then blowing a cloud of smoke in 
Mrs. Lawton's face, compelling her to cough and close her eyes]. 
Gevis, gevis !. . . .you want proofs and. . .you shall have dem. . . [He 
smokes again, again blowing the smoke in her face as above. Mrs. 
Lawton closing her eyes. At this he gets three plates from the table, 
hitting the chandelier with one, the plate rail with the other and the 
ceiling with a third, following it up with a blank shot from a revolver, 
which he quickly pockets.] Dear me, it is worse dan I thought!... 
[The crockery from the plate rail falls to the ground and on the side- 
board, breaking some and upsetting the rest. . .The chandelier trembles 
in no uncertain way and like a cloud of smoke the dirt continues to 
come down from the hall in the ceiling. Thunder and lightening 
follow.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Frightened and unnerved, her eyes closed]. My 
•head goes round and around. Everything is confused. The walls 
are falling. Belinda ! Belinda !. . . [Faints.] 

[Enter Behnda, ail in a flutter.] 

BELINDA. Great Caesar's ghost. . .Oh, Mrs. mme, mam!. . . [Ex- 
citedly.] Who fired dat gun? [Examining herself.] If I is killed, 
I wants to know it . . . 

ROBERT. At de slightest test dis ceiling has broken down ! . . . 
[Confused at the dirt falling from ceiling.] Dear me, still falling!. . . 

BELINDA [Noticing that Mrs. Lawton has fainted, calling through 
the open door.] Oh, Miss Louise, Miss Louise! I is all in a flurry! 
Get your moder's smellin' salt and hurry, de smellin' salt ! . . . [Opening 
tbe drawers of sideboard and emptying their contents on the floor.] 
I is lookin' for for her eau de colim, de eau de colina ! . . . [Placing some 
_ lace in 'her pockets and sleeves.] 

LOUISE [Sternly to Belinda, bringing the smelling salts with her]. 
Leave the drawers alone! [Comes up to her mother, applying the 
smelling salt and fanning her.] Open the windows, open, wide!... 
What she wants is more air ! . . . She wants all the air she can get ! . . . 
[To Robert.] Now we are all in for it good and bard. 

[Maxie enters, door right. In clothes worn during act one.] 

MAXIE [To Robert, angrily] .My actor friend, this is carrying it 
too far!. . .A joke is a joke, but [Pointing to her condition.] look at 
this! [Oenching his fists.] Our household has been on the blink 
ever since you entered it ! . . . 



ACT TWO 45 

ROBERT [Uneasy.] She is sensitively organized, temperamental, 
and all dat. . .excitement is too much for her. [Nervously, his hand to 
his collar.] Gott, how infernally hot it is, and how it makes me per- 
spire. 

LOUISE [Self-possessed, continuing to fan her mother]. Mother 
will recover soon enough... [To Robert, emphatically and uneasy,] 
But you, what are you going to do zvhen she recovers ? 

AIAXIE [Eyeing the mass on the floor]. Hell is a cool place — cool 
and shady compared to what this place is going to be a few minutes 
hence. Oh, wouldn't there be fireworks when mother recovers. 

ROBERT [Changing his accent to his normal voice, and removing 
his make-up, playfully]. What am I going to do? Why... I have 
worked mighty hard to win her as my patient. . .now, now I am going 
to take care of her ! . . . 

MAXIE [Sardonically]. Make way for the Doctor!. . . 

ROBERT [Placing her head on his shoulder and getting hold of her, 
Robert lifts her from the chair, Louise assisting taking hold of her legs, 
Maxie and Belinda wheel in a couch from the alcove to the middle of 
the library, Robert placing Mrs. Lawton on couch in a reclining posi- 
tion , facing audience.] 

LOUISE [More composed]. Prescribe something for her, Robert 
dear, as soon as she recovers ; rose water, or bread pills, anything, any- 
thing ! 

MAXIE [Instructively]. Take my advice and make it strong! 
Quinine and water ! She has no confidence in a medicine unless it is 
both strong and bitter. [Pause.] She told me so yesterday. 

LOUISE. Maxie is quite right, quite right for once. 

ROBERT [While they are talking, Robert unbuttons Mrs. Lawton's 
shirtwaist at the top, tearing up in excitement the collar and upper 
part of the shirtwaist, and with the skill of an osteopath, manipulates 
the nerve centers, applying his pointed fingers to her bare shoulders, 
cheeks and forehead. 

[In dumb show he motions Belinda to draw the portieres between 
the dining-room and library, to which she quickly responds and with- 
draws, D. R. The drawn portieres hide completely the mass in the 
drawing-room from Mrs. Lawton's view as she opens her eyes.] 

[Maxis. moves upstage in the opposite direction, withdrawing at 
door L.] 

ROBERT [Whispers into Louise's ear, and as Mrs. Lawton opens 
her eyes, Robert moves his jaw rapidly without making a sound, Louise 
following his example.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Trying hard to catch a sound] . I am stone deaf 
...deaf... that is f rightful ... as deaf as a post. .. [Listening more 



46 MARRIAGEABLES 

closely.] What did you say? [Emphatically.] I am sure you said 
something. . .Which of us is going mad, you two, or I? 

ROBERT [Watching Mr. Lawton, then dramatically, hands to 
both sides of his head, as if terrified, in an undertone, as if whisper- 
ing]. Good God, this is awful!. . .1 have certainly cut off the wrong 
leg!!!... 

MRS. LAWTON [Draws her legs under her, lays flat on her back, 
feeling her hips in turn, hysterically] . I am scared to death, unnerved 
competely !. . .Oh, my eyes, my cheeks. . .Am I out of my wits. . .Will 
I ever survive it. . .Am I going to die?. . . 

ROBERT [Reassuring]. You are doing well, very well indeed! 
[To Louise.] Feed her on milk, milk only. . .mixed with a little quin- 
ine for the first few days!. ...In a month she will forget that she was 
sick. 

LOUISE [Respectfully]. Your orders shall be obeyed. [Grate- 
fully.] Oh, Doctor, how can I sufficiently thank you!. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [To Louise, regaining consciousness, holding her 
skirts down]. Hand me the hand glass. . . [Louise hands her the hand 
glass from the mantd nearby. Mrs. Lawton examining herself in 
mirror, after a pause.] Only the shadow of my former self, only a 
shadow !. . . [Hysterically.] Oh, Doctor, Doctor, I am not a bit nervous, 
but will I survive it?. . . [Drops hand glass with a shriek of horror,] 
Willi live?... 

LOUISE [To Robert, aside]. Keep it up and she will collapse in 
earnest !. . . [To her mother.] You have heard from the Doctor's own 
lips that you are doing well. [Petting her.] This should encourage 
and satisfy you. [Kissing her. Then to Robert, aside.] Get her out 
of this, it is getting dangerous. 

ROBERT [Aloud]. I assure you, Miss, it was nothing more than 
a temporary hallucination when your mother probably thought she 
saw things ! Somehow, somewhere. 

MRS. LAWTON [Repeating]. — probably thought she saw things ! 
Why . . . surely . . . surely ... 

ROBERT [Warningly]. You are all nerves, my friend, do be care- 
ful. [Stroking the back of her hair]. 

LOUISE. Don't excite yourself, mother, don't excite yourself. All 
your visions are chestnuts ... 

ROBERT [Putting a little spoon in Mrs. Lawton's mouth, making 
her say Ah, Ah, Ah, then to Louise]. This people believe more in 
their nightmares than you and I in the things we actually see. Don't 
try to dispute with her. . .It is part of her sickness, you know. . . 

LOUISE [Coaxingly]. You will be careful, mother dear. 

MAXIE [In the hall to Belinda]. Keep out of the room. 



ACT TWO 47 

MRS. LAWTON [Dreamily]. I hear voices!. .. [Feeling her legs 
in turn.] I thought I lost my legs. . . [Again examining her hips.] It 
must have been a horrible nightmare. [Picking up her hand glass 
again.] Can it be possible that I am only run down? Only run down? 
[To Robert.] And do you really think that a month in bed will cure 
me ? Oh, Doctor, you are giving me a new lease on life. 

ROBERT " 

You are getting on splendidly. Your pulse is regular. [To Louise.] . . . 
A regular pulse . . . but there are a few symptoms which I must still 
watch. .. [Taking out his watch from R. vestcoat pocket and calling 
her attention to it, as he holds it some distance from her ear.] Do 
you hear the ticking of this watch? [Mrs. Lawton indicates with a 
nod of the head that she does, and he accordingly removes the watch 
to some further distance.] Now, now!. . . [Trying the other ear and 
convincing her that her hearing is not affected.] Splendid, splendid ! 
I am overjoyed, it couldn't be better. I will cure you, I know I will ! 
[Motioning her to lie down again, to which she complies with child- 
like obedience, as he strokes the back of her hair.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Closing her eyes]. The Doctor, the dear, kind 

doctor!. . . 

[Noticing their opportunity, Robert and Louise kiss and embrace. 
Maxie looks in through the slightly drawn portieres, Belinda through 
door left, as the curtain falls.] 



t 

48 MARRIAGEABLES 

Act III. 

[Evening of the following day. Same scene as in the two 
previous acts. The ceiling in the dining-room has been fixed and 
the silver on the sideboard replaced, but the crockery on the plate 
rail is missing.] 

[Discovered, Mrs. Lawton reclining on couch in the library 
facing audience. Robert, dressed as the doctor, standing on the 
right facing her. 'Both are in elegant evening clothes. Mrs. 
Lawton convalesing.] 

[As the curtain rises, Robert is discovered lifting coffee cup and 
drinking.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Sipping some milk]. As I taste your medicine, 
dear, kind doctor, [Eyeing him admiringly.] every answering fibre in 
my body tells me that this is what was wanted, the real, real stuff ! . . . 

ROBERT [Eyeing the glass of milk, aside]. Oh, my milk bottle, 
well have you done your work ! [Aloud.] I am glad you have for- 
gotten all about the broken crockery and the rest of it. 

MRS. LAWTON [Agitated, making an effort and finally succeeding 
in sitting up] . I have forgotten, have I ! That plate breaker will do 
well never to enter my house again!... If he does... I will not send 
him to hell. ..Oh no. . . [Getting hold of her pillow with the left hand 
and liqueur bottle with the other, threateningly, shaking the bottle in 
front of the pillow, as if the pillow were the real living enemy.] I 
will raise it! 

ROBERT [Amazingly calm, relieving her of the bottle and pillow 
in turn and replacing to former positions]. Don't excite yourself, my 
friend. If he should turn up, we will both deal with him as he de- 
serves. [Placing both of his hands to her forehead until she is re- 
duced to a reclining position, same as at opening of act ; picks up his 
coffee cup, taking a few paces about the room.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Regaining her composure] . Dear Doctor ! Your 
masterful hand on my forehead is so soothing and consoling. [Pause.] 
May I trouble you again. [Robert, replacing his cup on little stand, 
rubbing her forehead.] Dear, kind Doctor, I don't know what I would 
have done without you, you have saved my boy and [Coquettishly.] 
you have done a lot for me. . . [Extending her right hand.] How is 
my pulse to-day ? . . . 

ROBERT [Taking out his watch, which he holds in his left hand,, 
holding her wrist with his right]. Seventy-six and one-eighth. 
[Pause.] Almost normal ! 



ACT THREE -49 

MRS. LAWTON [Gratified], Such an improvement on yesterday's 
seventy-six and three-quarters!. . .For all this I am truly grateful. 

ROBERT [Picking up his coffee cup and drinking]. Nothing but 
complete obedience on the part of the patient could have brought 
about such wonderful results. 

MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing him closely]. My dear, dear Doctor, 
there is something about you personally which makes me feel that we 
have met before!. . .Don't I remember you'?. . . 

ROBERT [Composed]. No, no, but you will!. . .Oh, it was worth 
a whole hfetime to secure your patronage!. .. [Making her comfort- 
able.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Dear, kind Doctor, how will I ever repay you 
for your kindness. 

ROBERT [Sipping his coffee]. Pray don't mention it, the privilege 
is all mine, all mine, I assure you. 

MRS. LAWTON [Sipping some milk and replacing glass on tray]. 
Believe me, although a woman, I am not of the fainting kind! Oh, 
no! But [Her eyes fixed on the chandelier in the dining-room, and 
then wandering in the direction of the sideboard.] when I saw my 
entire collection of imported china on the plate rail fall to the ground 
and break into a thousand pieces, my brain reeled and... I fainted! 
Oh, when I think of this plate breaker! [Grabs the pillow again and 
stretches her hand for the bottle.] 

ROBERT [Getting hold of the bottle, then makes a few paces 
towards opening leading into dining-room, fixing his gaze on the bare 
plate rail]. Fate can be very cruel at times!. . .but [Sympathetically.] 
since. I have gained through it such an interesting patient, you will 
allow me, I trust, to send you a duplicate set and make good. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Earnestly]. I wouldn't hear of it! I am under 
the greatest obligation to you as it is. 

ROBERT [Protestingly, replacing his cup on tray]. I have done 
nothing! [Pause.] Nothing more than any other person placed in 
my position would do ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Gratefully]. Ah, dear, kind Doctor. . .you have 
done me a world of good! [Playfully.] Now, now... do you really 
think that tight lacing is bad for consumption? 

ROBERT [Playfully]. No, no, not at all. [Pause.] It is what it 
lives on ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Takes up coffee pot and is about to pour out 
some more coffee for him]. 

ROBERT [Protestingly]. Thank you, no more for me! A doctor 
should not indulge too much in a beverage which he forbids to most 
of his patients. 



50 • MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS. LAWTON [Replacing coffee pot to former position]. Come 
now the truth, my friend, are very tight corsets really injurious to 
the brain ? 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. My dear, dear friend, not in the least, not 
in the least, for one who has brains never wears them. The more a 
woman's waist is like an hourglass, the sooner will the sands of life 
run out. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Ah, you doctors are very strict! 

ROBERT [Sincerely]. True, this is our weakness and at the same 
time the source of our strength. Caution is the Parent of safety and 
moderation is the silken string running through the pearl chain of all 
virtues. Dyspepsia is the reward of a guilty stomach. You cannot 
draw a bill on the bank of health without meeting it, doctor or no 
doctor ! . . . The best physicians are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and 
Doctor Merryman. 

MRS. LAWTON. You doctors stop at nothing to amuse us, even 
when it is at your own expense, who are you, Doctor Foolthem or 
Doctor Commonsense?. . . 

ROBERT [Playfully]. Both!. . .True, we often care more about 
pleasing our patients than telling them the truth. What would become 
of my practice if I told all my patients that their symptoms are no 
token of diseases? [Pause.] But it is true that the treatment some- 
times causes the disease. 

MRS. LAWTON [Confidentially] . I have often thought that the 
necessity for taking pills, even little ones, at regular intervals, acts as 
a perpetual reminder of illness which retards recovery. 

ROBERT [Quickly]. You can't accuse me of giving you any! 
Disease generally comes to those who have been preparing for it, and 
most aches and pains are remedial moves on the part of nature to keep 
us well ! What one really needs is to acquire the health habit. 

MRS. LAWTON [Repeating]. The health habit? 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. Exactly! [Pacing about the room.] 
Boiled down to reail facts, no illness can be cured until the patient 
changes his mind and gets a new method of thinking, when we forget 
ourselves in useful effort we are well. 

MRS. LAWTON [Protestingly]. Am I to believe that progressive 
whist, or bridge., .could do away permanently with doctors and ana- 
tomists, anatomists, who in muscle, nerve and bone find all the mys- 
teries of life? 

ROBERT [Consulting his watch]. I am not the man to knock my 
own profession, but it is, nevertheless, true that nine-tenths of the 
people that go to a physician have nothing the matter with them, 
nothing that can be cured by drugs or that could not better be cured 
without drugs. The best physician is fresh air, the best pill is pure 



ACT THREE 51 

fare. No two bodies are alike. What is food for one is poison for 
another, and therefore the fallacy of specific drugs for specific diseases 
is self evident. [Again consulting his watch and holding it in his 
hand.] 

MRS, LAWTON [Pointedly]. Are you in a hurry to return home 
to your wife ? 

ROBERT [Replacing watch, meaningly]. I am still single, a faith- 
ful member of the bachelor's club. 

MRS. LAWTON [Playfully]. Home is the best club in the world, 
that is, when one gets a home of his own... You are single!. . .Does 
it mean that you admire too many women too well, or possbly too 
many too little? 

ROBERT [Cunningly]. Quite simple. I admire the sex collectively. 

MRS. LAWTON. It is original and has its advantages ... It gives 
everybody a little hope!. .. [Pause.] Ah, it did not take me long to 
recognize your good qualities. As soon as I saw you I instantly said, 
here is a man, that is a man !. . . 

ROBERT [Gallantly]. You are very kind. . .1 assure you the feeling 
of admiration is mutual. 

MRS. LAWTON [Confidingly], I have taken to you from the 
start, but. . .young girls are different. My daughter, sir. . .of course, 
I will put in a good word for you, but... it is to ourselves that we 
must look to in such matters. 

ROBERT [Cunningly]. My specialty, you know, is medical, not 
feminine research. . .but [Playfully.] do you think I stand a chance? 

MRS. LAWTON [Encouragingly]. I should say an excellent one. 
You are a fine catch for almost any girl. . .1 would like you to get into 
the race and win. 

[Maxie ,unseen by Mrs. Lawton, enters the room, hiding behind the 
couch and nudging Robert from time to time, then exits as he enters.] 

ROBERT [Meaningly, pressing her hand]. If you will excuse me, 
I will go to Maxie, my more serious patient. 

[The street bell rings.] 

MRS. LAWTON. By all means, Doctor. [Pause.] I was just 
going to remind you. . . [Exit Robert.] 

[Enter Louise, neatly dressed, carrying a bulky bundle, a mischiev- 
ous twinkle in her eye.] I have some good news, mother. [Em- 
phatically.] Some very good news. . . 

[Placing bundle on floor near her, then smelling flowers on her 
corsage.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Hopefully, her hand on Louise's waist line]. So 
have I ! I have some dandy news. 

LOUISE [Teasingly]. What is yours? 



52 MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS. LAWTON [Eyeing the bundle suspiciously, then putting 
finishing touches to Louise's dress.] The Doctor is single. He is not 
married, he is not married. . .not married. 

LOUIS [Mischievously picking up bundle]. My news is better, 
much better. [Pause.] The playwright has returned ! [Unwrapping 
bundle and displaying Mss. seen in Act L] 

MRS. LAWTON [Disturbed, throwing the cushions on the floor, 
and lifting her feet in turn]. Jesus, Maria and Joseph!. ..The devil 
he has ! Will I ever again succeed to live in peace in my own home ? 

LOUISE [Gaily]. Mother, darling... He is no longer gloomy... 
several pages of his soaked through Mss. have been saved. . .Accord- 
ingly, and in equal proportion he says there is hope for the American 
dram^ ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Imploringly, picking up Mss. and handing them 
to Louise]. Get rid of him, Louise, get rid of him; threaten him with 
the police ; salute him' with cold water, and if it doesn't work, get the 
dog. He showed a great deal of respect for the dog during his other 
call. 

LOUISE [Disappointed — replacing Mss. to former position] . Why, 
mother darling, you forget, he is a playwright, a dramatist. [Wrap- 
ping up the Mss.] 

MRS. LAWTON. What of it? When I want real good drama, I 
go to a moving picture show, and when I want real exciting play, I 
take a trip to Monte Carlo. . .1 can do without him. . .1 assure you. . . 
his profession does not interest me in the least. . .You wouldn't catch 
me reading their rubbish, I can tell you ! How one million of our good 
people can keep on wasting their time on scribbling such stuff as we 
see produced, is a mystery to me. 

LOUISE [Disappointed]. Oh, mother dear, mother darling, surely, 
surely 1 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. This man has got on my nerves, I 
tell you. . .If I were not an invalid confined to my bed by the doctor's 
orders, I would exercise my fingernails, set my ten commandments in 
his face and make his two eyes as black as he made my beautiful rugs ! 
. . . [Grabs the pillow again and punches it with her hand instead of 
taking the bottle.] I would make him look so nice that he would be 
refused at the Morgue. 

LOUISE. One thing is clear, mother, you are not in a receptive 
mood to-night. [Replacing the pillow and making her comfortable.] 

[Enter Belinda. Old clothes and linen of the masculine wardrobe 
on her shoulders, her hair is in curie papers. She has evidently pre- 
pared to retire for the night.] 

BELINDA [Pointing to the loose clothing] . The playwriter's ward- 
robe have arrived, a whole lot of it. Where is 1 to put dem? 



ACT THREE 53 

LOUISE [Handing Belinda the bundle of Mss. belonging to Robert, 
after counting and re-counting them carefully from both ends several 
times]. Mother's comphments to the playwright. Tell him that she 
is indisposed and that the room is already taken. [To her mother.] 
Don't excite yourself, my dear, it wastes your strength. 

BELINDA [Taking bundle]. When I dink of dis man upsettin' my 
washin'. . .1 feel blue all over! 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. I hate him! I hate him! He is. . . 

LOUISE [To her mother]. Such an excess of hospitality is super- 
flous. Belinda, tell him that mother is indisposed and make an apology ! 

BELINDA [Excitedly, replacing bundle on floor and rearranging 
her apron]. Good Lord, Miss, how is I to make it?. . .1 got no eggs, 
no butter to make it wid. [Pause.] When I make sometin' I likes 
to use the regular stuft, notin' pickled or canned. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Unnerved] . Shup up ! You talk like wood, Be- 
linda. [Emphatically.] I am through with hm, you understand, and 
I am true telling!. . . 

BELINDA [Disappointedly]. Dem is harsh words !. . . [Picking up 
bundle again.] Yeas, m-m! Yeas, m-m. [Eyeing Mrs. Lawton, 
aside.] Such hignorance of cookin' ! I's actually shamed of her. 

]\IRS. LAWTON [To Belinda] . For the love of Hoboken and Jer- 
sey City, send him away ! Yes . . . tell him to clear out ! . . . Make him 
see that he is not wanted. . . 

BELINDA [Clenching her fists as she exits]. Oh, wouldn't I give 
him Jessy. 

MRS. LAWTON [Collecting her thoughts]. We were talking of 
the doctor, dear. He is a man of brains, as well as position. [Ex- 
citedly.] Make him propose; watch your chances, watch your chances 
get married, my dear. Lay aside sentiment and stick to business, for 
that is all there is to marriage, whether you call it moni-matters 
or matri-money. . .1 wish I could find a way of leaving you two 
alone for a while [Despairing] but here am I, an invalid, chained to 
the couch, an invalid, an invalid ! 

BELINDA [From hall to Robert]. We has no rooms for play- 
writers, no accommodation for hellevators of de drarmar, brush right 
out of 'ere, brush right out...You's in de wrong car, I tell yer. . ^ 
yea. de wrong car!. . .Git a transfer, git a transfer, fade away, fade 
away. 

LOUISE [Cautiously to Mrs. Lawton]. The doctor seems a decent 
sort, but he is not the only one. [Pause.] Why should you be against 
my Robert, the actor. Robert is a model young man, he does not smoke, 
drink, chew, gamble, nor go to church. 

MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. He doesn't drink? 
LOUISE. Not a drop, mother, not a drop, not even gravy! 



54 MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. I though that as an actor he 
always plays drunken parts, and is constantly rehearsing them. Be it 
as it may, Louise, the doctor is simply charming and nothing of con- 
sequence has happened to make me change my view about your actor. 

LOUISE [Aside]. Robert's doctoring is upsetting everything!... 
[To her mother.] Ah, mother darling, you are entitled to your opinion 
but I beg to differ, after all, your marriageables don't show up nearly 
as favorably with my actor! [Pause.] You said some unpleasant 
things bout him, but I have made my own inquiries [Pause] and they 
are rehable!. . . [Reading.] "After making inquiries about your charmer 
I find that Robert Emerson is considered in the profession not merely 
a star among actors, but a great actor among stars! [Pausing in her 
reading, whatching the expression of her mother's face.] Sampson of 
old only moved the house, Robert Emerson carries it." 

BELINDA [From the hall, making grimaces]. Oh yeas, m-m, I tol' 
him [with a twinkle in her eye to Louise.] an' he have gone ! You will 
neber hear of dis playwrighter no more. 

MRS. LAWTON [Gives a sigh of relief, then to Louise]. You say 
Robert is a great actor, well honors are cheap, but what does he earn ? 

LOUISE [Continuing reading]. "Robert Emerson gets $500. a 
week all the year round, travels in Pullman cars and stops at the best 
hotels." 

MRS. LAWTON [Brightening up]. Travels in Pullmans, does he? 

[Street bell rings again.] 

LOUISE [Continues]. "He has the skill of Sir Charles, the intellect 
of Robertson and the wit of Alexander." Come, mother, say yes, like 
a man, I mean, a woman. 

[Enter Belinda, dragging a large box filled with books — all excite- 
ment, placing box on floor.] 

BELINDA. Oh, yeas m-m, m-m ! De lawyer's library have arrived 
Two express vans loaded to de tops an' dere am more comin'. Cricky 
an' Jerusalem, ain't it jolly ! 

MRS. LAWTON [Disturbed— pointing]. Mother of Peter and 
Paul, another double barrel shoke!. . . [Determined.] My compliments 
to the lawyer. . and the address of the Harlem cold storage for the 
expressman [Writing on a card and handing it to Belinda. I will not 
harbour in m|y house so many valuable books on this hocus pocus 
science. [Excitedly.] Take that box away ! 

BELINDA [Tucking up the sleeves of her shirtwaist and getting 
hold of the box]. I'll tell him, mam, I'll tell him I [Exit Belinda.] 

LOUISE [Artfully]. You are right, mother!... If we must have 
lawyers, let us have lawyers with a sense of justice, men who would 
uphold justice even when it is against the law, men pleading for the 



ACT THREE 55 

enforcement of justice in defiance of laws. . .men who would work for 
truth. . .with the revolving of its giant wheel, insisting upon destroying 
what exists in the name of what ought to exist, men concerned with 
the living spirit of justice. 

MRS. LAWTON [To Louise]. That is it exactly. My dear child, 
[Affectionately.] I have learned a great deal during the past few days 
and admit that all other professions which I idealized do not make 
nearly as good a showing as your actor, the administrator of good 
cheer. 

LOUISE [Earnestly]. I assure you, mother, that to-day no apology 
for the stage is needed. It has but to be named to be honored. 

MRS. LAWTON. True, but. . . [Playfully.] the Doctor. . .the Doc- 
tor... he is such a charming fellow, personally. I am a different 
woman since I have met him. . .The Doctor must be dealt with first. . . 
LOUISE [Discouraged]. But, mother dear, the Doctor has not 
asked me. 

MRS. LAWTON [Pleadingly]. Give him time... Your father 
courted me six full weeks before we were engaged. 
[The telephone bell rings.] 

LOUISE [Picks up receiver, then turns is over to Mrs. Lawton]. 
It is the spiritual heir of the cotton whigs. 

MRS. LAWTON [Taking receiver, listening for a moment, then 
placing her hand on mouthpiece of telephone]. Yes, it's the lawyer 
on the phone!. .. [Listening and repeating.] What? All I have lost 
is my temper. . .who will pay me for my beautiful rugs... they are 
completely ruined... No, I am not trying to make a fool of you. 
It's one of your natural qualifications...! h&ve insulted your man- 
hood... You will sue me for damages !.. .good !.. .1 say, what 
will it cost me if I call you impudent? Yes. .. [Spelling.] I-m-p-u- 
d-e-n-t. . .Five hundred dollars! As much as that !... Well, then, 
kindly observe that I have not called you by that name yet, but if you 
lower your price !. . .Yes, I am tempted to meet your terms !. . . [Hangs 
up receiver.] I have seen things like him in cheese!. . . 

LOUISE [Kissing her mother affectionately]. Trust my dear, kind 
mother, for a timely answer, inoffensive, yet telling! 

MRS. LAWTON [Grabbing the bottle and pillow, punching pillow 
with bottle, as above] . Oh, if I could only throw these things at him 
through the telephone ! 

LOUISE [Pacifies her mother, replacing the articles]. 
[Enter Belinda.] 

BELINDA [At the door] . De promoter, M-m, De Mr . . . Mr. Wind- 
man- Waterit have returned. 

MRS. LAWTON. Oh, my God ! This caps the climax. 



56 MARRIAGEABLES 

BELINDA. He have papers for you to sign ! A whole lot of papers 
he say!. . . [Handing his card to Mrs. Lawton.] 

MRS. LAWTON. Great mackerel! [Pause.] The old lease is 
enough for me!. . . [Tearing up the card in a rage and scattering the 
pieces on the floor. To Behnda.] Telephone. . .telephone to the Board 
of Health to remove him and his dirt. 

LOUISE [Teasingly]. I understand he is a man of means, [Whis- 
pering.] of means! 

MRS. LAWTON. Yes, yes, I know, the meanest man in New 
York ! . . . [An expression of terror and fear co-mingle m her face — is 
about to grab the pillow but thinks better of it.] I am positively afraid 
of that man! [Hearkening, then looking up to the ceiling to reassure 
herself that there is no more falling crockery.] Get rid of him, Be- 
hnda, get rid of him! [Under her breath.] and. ..tell Maxie to tele- 
phone to police headquarters. . .if necessary. . .Heaven help the woman 
that allows such a man to get a mortgage on her heart ! . . . 

LOUISE [Reassuring]. Never fear, mother dear, he will not for- 
close on me! [To Belinda.] Just tell him that for my sake, mother 
gives him his hfe. . .Tell him to go to. . . 

BELINDA [Heroically]. I will see de plate-breaker out. Yeas, 
m-m, yeas, m-m' [Displaying her strong arms.] I'll see him out. I'll 
cut dis shoulder of mutton as if it were cream cheese. [As she exits.] 
Oh, wouldn't I have him on the half shell. 

[The slamming of street-door is heard. Mrs. Lawton gives a sigh 
of relief.] 

MRS. LAWTON. We were speaking of the Doctor, dear. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. I have nothing against him, but, mother 
darling, I am not the least bit excited over the advantages of his pro- 
fession. The Doctor himself looks up to Robert as his superior ! "An 
ounce of mirth," he says, "is worth a pound of sorrow and that good 
cheer and merriment succeed where drugs fail." 

MRS. LAWTON [Amazed]. The Doctor says that ? [Pause.] And 
does he know Robert. 

LOUISE [Emphatically at the door within hearing of Robert] . They 
are the closest of friends, in fact, they are inseparable!. . .Robert's is 
the inspired face of art. He makes music of mysteries and wrings 
poetry from prose. Oh, mother, mother dear, you should see Robert 
acting, dazzled by the glitter and the glamour which each night sur- 
rounds him, the finish he puts to his acting, the light in his eyes, their 
expression changing with every change of emotion, every phase of 
thought, the glow of his cheeks, the passion of his voice, so effectively 
rendered that it brings down the house, the spirit which inspires him. 
Yes! Pie seems like one inspired, inspiration springing from an 
elevated mind; one passion chasing another from his heart. He has 



ACT THREE 57 

a heart to resolve, a head to contrive and a hand to execute. His 
inspirations, passions, fire, feeHng and force are submHme. Ah ! think 
of a brilhant and enthusiastic audience watching his every look and 
movement, and admit that the interpreter of genius must, by inspira- 
tion of their thoughts, gain some of their nobility. Ah, mother darhng, 
there is no nobler srtucture than the stage, the music, the lights and the 
sea of faces set the actor's blood tingling and he is bound to give the 
best there is in him ! I have only to shut my eyes and again my hero 
stands before me. [Pauses.] Oh, mother, mother dear, shall I send 
for Robert? 

MRS. LAWTON [Thoughtfully]. I will go to the theatre the first 
night Robert plays. As to your marriage — concentrate on the Doctor 
all the same, he is the proper man for you, the Doctor, the Doctor ! 

LOUISE. My Robert is the happy combination of art and nature 
...His conduct of a love scene is an object lesson, and the stage he 
walks he owns. [Disheartened.] What could you see in the.Doctor! 
MRS. LAWTON. Ah, this doctor is different. [Playfully.] Con- 
centrate on the Doctor, my dear, the Doctor, the Doctor! Nail him 
to the counter. 

LOUISE [Impatiently]. My dear mother! It is not such a glorious 
thing to be a doctor!. . .All honest doctors practically admit that drugs 
<:an only repress symptoms, they cannot eradicate diseases. 

MRS. LAWTON. Doctoring, my dear, is an art, and what do we 
care about science, since the more appalling the operation, the more 
the surgeon is paid. 

LOUISE. Doctors have to face all kinds of weather at all hours. 
The worse people are the more they associate with them. . .and their 
money stops coming in as soon as they stop going out ! My Robert is 
an American in his genius, a cosmopolitan in his attainments, his art. 
MRS. LAWTON. I am taken with this doctor as a man, with me 
it is his charming personal qualities that carry. 
[Enter Behnda.] 

BELINDA [Excitedly]. He have gone, he've gone! 
LOUISE [Inquiringly]. What did you tell him? 
BELINDA [Grinning]. "Mrs. can't express her feelings," I says. 
"Express mine," he says. "I don*t want dem" ! 

MRS LAWTON [Sternly]. I told you to say I was out. 
BELINDA [Grinning]. He heard you and I tol' him. . .1 tol' him! 
My compliments to your Mrs., he says, please be good enough to tell 
her dat, I didn't call. [Enter Robert.] 

ROBERT [Studying the expression of their faces as his guide]. My 
other patient is doing well, I may say remarkably well. [Extending 
his hand for a flower to Louise.] Don't refuse me one of your beau- 
tiful flowers, so long as they are blooming, I will see in them your face. 



58 MARRIAGEABLES 

LOUISE [As she hands him a flower, which he places in his button- 
hole]. Ah, Doctor, if you had only returned a few moments sooner! 
. . . We have had a most unwelcomed visitor, who has filled our flat 
with trunks and boxes. . .Thank heavens, we are rid of him, but your 
presence would have been most welcome. 

ROBERT. [Playfully.] Nothing would please me more than to be 
of service to you. 

MRS. LAWTON [Gratefully]. Ah, Doctor, you have done enough 
for us as it is. [Sighs.] What would I have done without you ! [Her 
eyes full of meaning.] Maxie's illness and my own indisposition have 
cast a gloom over my Httle Louise, she is rather lonely, would you 
help me to cheer her up. [Whispering.] Ask her to play something! 
Please do! [To Louise, meaningly, noticing that Robert is passive.]' 
The Doctor says that a little music would do me most good. Would 
you mind playing something for me^ for us. [Pause.] There is a good 
girl. . eLet us have a good time, my dears ! 

LOUISE [Protestingly]. Could not the Doctor speak for himself? 

ROBERT [Plaintively]. Your mother is right. I shall be delighted, 
delighted to hear you ! . . . 

[Louise plays a popular air, Robert is the first to applaud and to 
show his enthusiasm.] 

LOUISE [To her mother, artlFuUy]. You see, mother dear, the 
Doctor is the first to express satisfaction that my playing is over. 

ROBERT [Aside, to Louise] . Your pianola is out of order. [To 
Mrs. Lawton, protestingly.] Your daughter's hands are made for the 
piano. It was charming, my favorite music, my favorite. . . [To Mrs. 
Lawton.] She undoubtedly inherited her musical talents from her 
mother. . . [Pointedly.] Even her eyes are very much like her mother's. 
Ah, your daughter needs no eulogy, she speaks for herself. 

MRS. LAWTON [Gratified.] Oh, Doctor, you do flatter!. .. [To 
Louise.] Why not try a duet, you and the Doctor together, dear, it 
sounds so much more interesting. [Aside, to Louise.] Put the chair 
and piano stool close together, dearest, [Emphatically.] very close! 

[Louise is rather bashful at first, but finally allows her mother to 
persuade her. Robert and Louise play together, Louise is seated on the 
piano stool, Robert on a chair near by — Robert touching Louise's hand 
instead of the keys of the piano most of the time. Robert gets up when 
the first number is finished. Louise remaining in her seat, Robert 
placing his hands from behind on her shoulders.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly, clapping her hands] . Encore, encore, 
encore! [Aside.] They are getting on splendidly! [Louise renews 
her playing, Robert sits down on piano stool back to back with Louise, 
imitating piano playing with his fingers up in the air ! ... In an effort 
to free herself from the, heavy weight behind, Louise stops abruptly, 
then turns around on her stool facing her mother, but Robert is equal 



ACT THREE 59 

to the occasion and the stool with Robert at one end and Louise at the 
other revolves several times before Robert, reversing his position, 
bumps into Louise, then gets up facing her, bus.] 

LOUISE [Noticing the delight on her mother's face and that the 
time is opportune, whispers to Robert]. Kiss me, dear," kiss me... 
[Louise extends her chin in eager expectation, Robert kisses her a loud 
kiss, to Mrs. Lawton's amazement and delight.] 

LOUISE [Aloud, protestingly]. I like your cheek, sir! [Aside.] 
Kiss me again ! Attend to your business !. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Aside]. Good \. . .Ensnared, caught, trapped! 

ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Who says that woman was only a 
side issue? 

LOUISE [Excitedly, aside]. Now the fatTs on the fire! 

MRS. LAWTON [To Robert, severely]. Oh, this is too much! 

ROBERT [Excitedly]. How much is it? 

MRS. LAWTON [As aboe]. I can easily understand your feelings, 
sir, [Pointedly.] but the liberty you have just taken is only allowed 
to those who are engaged ! . . . What are your intentions towards my 
daughter, sir? 

ROBERT [Protestingly]. Believe me mme, nothing could give me 
greater pleasure than to ask you for her hand, right here and now, but 
my profession, my profession. . . [Interrupted.] 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly] . Yours, like all others, has its advan- 
tages and its drawbacks, and after all it is the man, the man alone that 
counts, professions — fiddlesticks — love is the only price at which true 
love should be bought, everything else does not matter. [Emphatic- 
ally.] My daughter loves you. , .You children have an attachment for 
one another, that is enough. 

LOUISE [Playfully]. Yes, you must make amends, ask mother. 

ROBERT. Would I hesitate were it not for my profession? 

MRS. LAWTON [Exhausted]. His profession again. [Implor- 
ingly.] I am an invalid, sir, but on my knees, on my bended knees, 
I ask you to consider my daughter's affections for you ! 

ROBERT [Moved], You are just the kind of woman I would love 
to have as my mother-in-law. Believe me, mme, I am deeply touched, 
but my profession, my pro. . . [Interrupted.] 

LOUISE [Aside.] I say. Bob, you do want a, lot of humoring. 

MRS. LAWTON. For us women there is only one profession, 
matrimony. Naturally, I am very anxious that my daughter should 
marry the man she loves, love lubricates all the affairs of life! Money 
is nothing. . .love everything...! care for nothing and am sure of 
nothing but you . . . 

ROBERT [Revealing his identity to Mrs. Lawton, handing her his 
card]. My name, my real name. 



60 MARRIAGEABLES 

MRS. LAWTON. By my new Easter hat, can it be. . .It can. . .t'is 
Robert, the actor, the actor, the actor ! Emerson, by all that is wonder- 
ful! 

ROBERT [Boldly]. Robert Emerson... by himself .. .Yes, Mrs. 
Lawton, it was I who impersonated your Doctor in the hope of getting 
nearer acquainted ! [Looking straight at her.] I rest my case, and 
have nothing to take away from or to add to what I have told you. 

MRS. LAWTON [Excitedly]. Perhaps, it was you who imper- 
sonated the lawyer, and. . .and. . .the playwright, you. . .who smashed 
my furniture! My blood boils when I think of it! You, the man 
who filled my soul with fear and... my beautiful rugs with washing 
blue...! 

ROBERT [Compromising on a half truth To Mrs. Lawton, boldly]. 
You don't suppose that I . . . 

MRS. LAWTON. Well, didn't you? 

LOUISE [playfully coming to Robert's rescue]. No, mother dear, 
[Winking at audience.] Robert is not a wizzard. [To Robert.] Mo- 
ther has had an unpleasant experience with a playwright and her 
opinion about his profession is not high. 

MRS. LAWTON [To Robert, offering her hand]. Please overlook 
anything I may have said at a moment of excitement. [Pause.] I 
could forgive everybody, but not this clumsy man on whose account 
I may yet be dragged through the law courts and supreme courts of 
our great land. 

ROBERT [Pleasantly]. The prospect of a law suit, does not neces- 
sarily mean a case for the Supreme Court, but should you ever get into 
legal entanglements, take my advice and engage a good lawyer from, 
the very start, law is for the lawyers. 

MRS. LAWTON. I suppose it does take a good lawyer to show us 
how to evade the law, [Pause] to dig into the past and befog the 
judges. . .but we were talking of the playwright. What is your opinion 
about playwrights ? 

ROBERT. To us actors, playwrights and dramatists are the heroes 
and apostles of reason, the disciples of truth, who sow the seeds of 
knowledge and whose thoughts light a flame in the brain of men ! They 
are the leaders who enrich and enoble life, changing heart throbs into 
songs in their lyrics of flame, holding high the holy torch and filling 
the world with light. 

MRS. LAWTON [Knowingly, but with less confidence]. I happen 
to know that the two million a year paid to the million of playwrights 
by American managers would only average two dollars a year each for 
an author. [Pause.] This hardly corresponds with your high sounding 
phrases! If actors and managers hold authors in such high esteem,. 



ACT THREE Gl 

why don't they do something to enable them to earn bread and cheese 
while working? 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. I am not the attorney for the managers' 
association or the profession, but it seems to me that a man who has 
the opportunity to do serious work in this world should thank God for 
the chance and find the reward in the work itself, in the doing. 

LOUISE [Approvingly]. This is the proper spirit, my dear, the 
only one, in fact v/hich makes dramatic work in America possible. 

MRS. LAWTON [Dubiously]. There is merit in your statement, 
only some authors may fail to make their grocer, butcher, baker and 
candlestick maker accept it as legal tender and as payment in full ! . , . 
As to you, sir. . .there is nothing to ask, I have already indicated that 
I give my consent. 

LOUISE. After careful reflection, mother has learned to consider 
members of your profession among the foremost people of practical 
usefulness, [To her mother.] You might have surmised from Rob- 
ert's mannerism, you simpleton, that he was something more than a 
mere doctor. 

ROBERT [Protestingly]. Far be it from me to say anything more 
against a profession which at least on this momentous occasion has 
served me so admirably and so well. 

MRS. LAWTON. Don't spoil Robert, my dear. History tells us 
that Daniel is the only man who' was not spoiled by being lionized !. . . 
As to doctors, when you will have to do with them as much as I had 
during the period of a lifetime, you will admit that they are the best- 
mannered men. 

ROBERT [Approvingly]. Quite right, mother, whatever may be 
said against drugs and leg cutting, no class of men in our community, 
with the exception of my own profession, have learned* so admirably 
and so well the art of pleasing. Show me a doctor with a lucrative 
practice and I will accordingly show you the polished man. 

LOUISE [Admiringly]. On the stage Robert is called upon to im- 
personate all sorts of people and to say all sorts of things, but oflf 
the stage he has a pleasant thought and a kind word for everybody. 

ROBERT [Plaintively]. -My views are simple and very far from 
regarding as a lullaby of lies the triumphs of civilization; above all I 
feel that all kinds of work necessary for public good, become honorable 
by being necessary. 

MRS. LAWTON [Inquiringly] . All kinds of work, even promoters. 
[Confidingly.] A promoter offered Maxie for sale some waterfront 
lots by the quart. [Pause.] Is this also a useful profession? 

ROBERT [Earnestly]. My dear [ahem] mother, when Watt saw 
the steam lifting the lid of his mother's tea kettle, he saw beyond that 



63 MARRIAGEABLES 

fireplace the steam engine propelling ships and drawing cars, but how 
far from his mother's steam kettle would Watt's invention have traveled 
without the busines promoter? When I see the giant called steam 
turning with tireless arm the countless wheels of toil or hear the elec- 
tric spark flashing under all the waves of the sea, when I consider 
electricity which has emancipated the mind from the body, and given 
it wings, in fact when I contemplate all the latest discoveries which 
have brought the world into one family and made intelligence inde- 
pendent of distance, there is a warm spot in my heart for the business 
promoter. 

LOUISE [Sympathetically]. Yes, yes. 

ROBERT. There is a long distance between the suspended spiders 
web floating in your path and our suspended Brooklyn Bridge. With- 
out the aid of skilled promoters Sir Samuel Brown would surely have 
lost the way. 

MRS. LAWTON. This and more I have learned to-day. . .profes- 
sions in themselves are little or nothing, and after all it is the man 
himself that counts. 

ROBERT [Playfully]. I accept your apology. [Shaking Mrs. 
Lawton's hand aflfectionately.] I forgive you, mother, for everything 
I did and will do my best to make Louise happy. 
LOUISE [Embracing Robert]. My life is yours. 
ROBERT [Taking out a jewel box from his breast coat pocket and 
displaying jewel, which in size, workmanship and quality commands 
attention]. Pray, forgive my seeming negligence. This jewel, in- 
tended as a trifling remembrance on your birthday, has been making 
a hole in my pocket ever since. [Handing her the jewel.] 

LOUISE [Accepting the jewel, both women admiring it]. It is 
doubly welcome tonight. 

[Enter Maxie in his shirt sleeves and without a collar, a rolled up 
large print of a painting in his right hand.] 

[Extending his arm, waving print in the air]. While waiting for 
my onion porridge and during the time the onions were cooling, I have 
made a rough sketch of my next painting [displaying a large print 
from a familiar painting of the American fleet in full swing] and I 
know the man who will buy it. [Digging Robert in the rib]. Do you 
get me, Steve? 

MRS. LAWTON [Looking persistently and excitedly through her 
eye-glass]. Not at all bad for half an hour's work, not at all bad. 
ROBERT. Maxie certainly knows how to throw the bull ! . . . 
MAXIE [Taking in the situation gaily]. I have completely recov- 
ered, mother dear. It may seem improbable but it is true. I will not 
need the operation, but you will need a minister. It is quite proper 



ACT THREE 63 

for you mother dear to pay for the medicine, tut the doctor's visits 
we should return. 

MRS, LAWTON [Making an unsuccessful effort to get at his ear]. 
The doctor has done excellently, he shall be paid in full ! 

MAXIE [ProtestinglyJ. As a patient who has been on his best be- 
havior I claim half the reward. 

ROBERT [Patting him on the shoulder]. And as the star actor of 
our little comedy drama with its happy ending, you well deserve it. 
.You shall have it all. It is I who pays the bill ! 

LOUISE [Refraining him]. No, Robert dear, it is I who pays, for 
I am the greatest gainer 1 

MRS. LAWTON .[Getting up from the couch for the first time dur- 
ing this scene more to her personal gratification and amazement then 
that of all the others present, who unnoticed by Mrs. Lawton exchange 
glances ; protestingly] . It is I who pays and pays gladly ! [To Robert] . 
In you I gain a son,, .not merely a husband for my daughter. [Ad- 
miringly]. You are not merely a star among actors, but a star among 
marriageables. 

ROBERT [To Mrs. Lawton]. Thank you [then to Louise], exam- 
ining Mrs. Lawton's dress]. Isn't mother's dress a stunner, and how 
well it becomes her!. . . 

MRS. LAWTON [Embraces Robert and Louise, from behind plac- 
ing her right hand on Robert's shoulder and her left on Louise's]. As 
a son-in-law I regard you as an excellent investment. 

MAXIE [Overjoyed, jumps on the couch, waving his arm and hand- 
kerchief, to Robert] you may take her as your wife, but send the 
presents direct to me. 

BELINDA [Enters with refreshments]. The goose hangs high. . . 
[Placing tray on table — noticing the position, grinning]. She throwed 
dem all for de hector! Golly, ain't it funny how dem dings turn out 
sometimes, ain't funny, ain't it? 

ROBERT. We are all here. . .one kind innocent little fact I miss 
. . ,Topsy ! [Pause] It is such a delightful pleasure to have her about. 

[All taking up their glasses.] 

MAXIE [On the couch, glass in hand]. "To my future brother-in- 
law, the friendliest of men, who takes the part of others so well and 
always succeeds in making up, the man of men who gets paid for 
playing, . . [Exit Belinda to kitchen.] 

LOUISE [Protestingly], To Robert who works while he plays!. , . 

MRS. LAWTON [Smilingly lifting her glass]. To Robert who 
plays while he works and to the engaged pair, may good fortune shine 
upon them and meet them everywhere; to my future son-in-law, 
America's leading ambassador to the entertaining world. 



" — le 

[Belinda returns with Topsy in her arms, L _® ?J"uus ner a glass 
of wine.] 

BELINDA [All excitement, as she accepts the glass from Louise]. 
To de brightgroom. . .de favorite, of all de feminins and to de happy 
pair, may your floors be paved wid pancakes, may all your pipes run 
of milk and honey and de ceiling be covered with watermillions. [Ex- 
tending her glass to the dog. . .but drinks it quickly when Topsy is 
ready to taste it.] 

MAXIE [To Belinda]. Ah, Belinda, my honey, you are a jewel 
and the hope of the colored race ! . . . 

ROBERT [Lifting his glass to Mrs. Lawton]. I thank you, my 
dear mother and friends, I thank you!. .. [Eyeing Louise] I lift my 
glass to the sister of the graces in the temple of love, where all men 
worship, to her who shares our sorrow and doubles our joy, God's best 
gift to men, the source of help, happiness and heaven, to our women, 
our women, God bless them ! . . . 



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